Years ago, I began facing what has proven to be the longest-lasting, most difficult struggle I have experienced. It began suddenly, so I was not prepared. There were no answers. The pervasive "why?" question that inevitably pops up in difficult circumstances had no response. Well, not one that really satisfied my longing for a full, detailed explanation, anyway.
I prayed for God to intervene. I searched for and tried out potential remedies along the way. When experiencing difficult circumstances, "remedies" can come in many different forms, depending on the person and what the struggle is. Whether it comes in the form of a self-help book, a hobby, a relationship, medicine, or something else entirely, when we are desperate, we tend to grab for whatever seems to work.
For me, occasionally, I would find something that would work. By "work", I mean it would make me feel better. But soon I would be right back, faced with the issue once again. It was like a tease, only to be let down over and over again. These "fixes" are so appealing, they are blinding. Nothing else matters but getting that "fix".
When we are hurting, scared, or simply longing for something, we simply want it fixed as quickly as possible. We want to avoid suffering for any period of time. When we can't find an earthly solution, many times we apply the "squeaky wheel" theology. We figure God will eventually fix it for us if we hound him enough in prayer (the "squeaky wheel gets the oil"). But what about those times that we don't get the answer we are looking for?
When God did not fix my problem, I was not at all happy about it. Not having it fixed meant more difficult times. Although there have been times that I have actually accepted my "thorn in the flesh", that was not commonplace at first. There have been numerous instances of me expressing outright anger over what seemed to be His refusal to help me. There have been other times that I have rejected it and pleaded with God for it to be fixed.
Along the way, the Enemy has shown up, more times than not, in the "remedies" I have run across, deceptively promising to give me something God would not or even claiming to be Him giving me what I wanted. In my experience, quick fixes are full of false promises of reward, whether it be for legitimate needs (such as love, acceptance, security, and significance) or things like fame, popularity, financial gain, power, or even physical healing. They play on our emotions, and, although they do not often come as little wooden statues, they are very much idols we look to instead of the Lord.
God did not desire to fix my problem for me. That would have been the easy way out, but it would also be shallow and temporary. Instead of playing the role of Santa Claus and giving me what I wanted, God knew a battle was necessary to give me what I needed. No matter what it took, He wanted me free to be exactly who He created me to be. He knew I would never look to Him if I found the deceptive satisfaction in something else, so He allowed "the thorn" to do its job. It has acted much like a warning light on the dash of a car, indicating something is wrong when I am looking to something other than Him, the true source of everything I need.
Having experienced what it is like for God not to "fix it for me", I have tasted a level of confidence that can only come through hardship. He has lovingly let me suffer in order to meet this need. I have more of an understanding of the confidence He has in His relationship with me. He knows I am His and He will not let me go. He has had confidence, the whole time, that I would persevere.
Instead of being spoiled by getting exactly what I wanted, the struggle has required that I trust Him even more to provide what I am truly seeking. You could say that it has helped to keep me out of trouble that arises from not walking closely with Him. Ironically, the thing I thought would certainly destroy me, has actually been a protective mechanism in my life.
Instead of arrogance taking over, I am humbled by the constant reminder that I can do nothing worthwhile on my own. God knew my family and the friends He would send my way needed a humble man, not an arrogant one. And not only that, but He has given me a connection with the other hurting people I am fortunate enough to get to know. If He had done what I begged for at times, I would have little to no understanding of what others are going through.
There have been, and will be times, that I lose sight of the truth regarding why God chose not to take away this "thorn". During those times, something will falsely appear more satisfying than He is. I pray I will not fall for it, but if I do, I pray I quickly recall the truth and run to Him. While I am seeing these things clearly, I say without hesitation, "Thank you, Lord, for not fixing me".
Thursday, February 27, 2014
Monday, February 17, 2014
My Issue With Manipulation: Part 2
While it is wonderful to practice discernment in my life and to share that with others, when I find myself anxious, or even angry over it, I need to join God in examining my heart. God's gift of discernment helps us to recognize anything that goes against His truth. It helps us to pick up on attempts to deceive us. However, discernment comes with a sense of peace, not fear. And that's where I find myself often: fearful of what might happen if I do not put great effort into making sure I protect myself.
But what am I so afraid of? What's the worst that could happen if I let down my guard? Immediately thoughts rush through my mind when I ask those two simple questions. "Neil, you will look like a fool! You will get hurt! It will be your fault when something goes wrong!" And that's just a few of them. But it's enough to begin seeing what I fear. I fear looking stupid. I fear being hurt. I also fear feeling guilty if things do not go as planned. All of these are things I want to avoid.
However, when I allow these fears to control me, I find myself being manipulative, trying to control things. I sometimes excessively plan out conversations I might have with others, analyze everything done and said around me, try to dig up more information on what's going on around me so I am ready for anything, be silent as to avoid looking like I do not know something or accidentally "sharing too much", and blacklist certain people. These behaviors prevent me from enjoying relationships because I am consumed with controlling them...all to protect myself. And I do all of this hard work that eventually proves unhelpful. Any control I think I have is flimsy, at best.
Ironically, my fears exist because I have already been successfully manipulated. When I fear looking stupid, somewhere deep down, I have believed the lie that I AM actually stupid, and I constantly try to prove to myself and others that I am not. Perhaps, I might think, God created me incompetent or that I simply cannot live up to what He wants me to. When I fear being hurt, I recall all the times that I have been hurt. I have a difficulty seeing how God was in the midst of those hard times. Then, believing the lie that relationships are just not worth the risk of more pain, I proceed to shut myself off to any possibility of being hurt, which also prevents any possibility of experiencing the benefits of relationships as well. And, finally, when I fear feeling guilty, I recall shame from my past and that shame says terrible things about me that I am tempted to believe. These things are contrary to the truth that I am not guilty in Christ Jesus (Romans 8:1) and that I do not have to live in shame.
To be free from this, to really let go of my own manipulation, I must recognize the core manipulation in my life, by the Enemy, is to get me to believe lies about God and myself. Satan began in the garden trying to dismantle our view of our Heavenly Father. He is successful, quite often, in doing this through a variety of ways. Does God truly love and accept me? Am I significant to Him and secure in Him? My real issue is misunderstanding who God is and what Jesus Christ accomplished and then answering "no" to any part of those questions. Once I embrace the truth, I recognize and renounce lies as they come my way. Only then do I feel safe enough to drop the manipulation, enjoy relationships, AND practice the gift of discernment in the way He intended it to be used.
But what am I so afraid of? What's the worst that could happen if I let down my guard? Immediately thoughts rush through my mind when I ask those two simple questions. "Neil, you will look like a fool! You will get hurt! It will be your fault when something goes wrong!" And that's just a few of them. But it's enough to begin seeing what I fear. I fear looking stupid. I fear being hurt. I also fear feeling guilty if things do not go as planned. All of these are things I want to avoid.
However, when I allow these fears to control me, I find myself being manipulative, trying to control things. I sometimes excessively plan out conversations I might have with others, analyze everything done and said around me, try to dig up more information on what's going on around me so I am ready for anything, be silent as to avoid looking like I do not know something or accidentally "sharing too much", and blacklist certain people. These behaviors prevent me from enjoying relationships because I am consumed with controlling them...all to protect myself. And I do all of this hard work that eventually proves unhelpful. Any control I think I have is flimsy, at best.
Ironically, my fears exist because I have already been successfully manipulated. When I fear looking stupid, somewhere deep down, I have believed the lie that I AM actually stupid, and I constantly try to prove to myself and others that I am not. Perhaps, I might think, God created me incompetent or that I simply cannot live up to what He wants me to. When I fear being hurt, I recall all the times that I have been hurt. I have a difficulty seeing how God was in the midst of those hard times. Then, believing the lie that relationships are just not worth the risk of more pain, I proceed to shut myself off to any possibility of being hurt, which also prevents any possibility of experiencing the benefits of relationships as well. And, finally, when I fear feeling guilty, I recall shame from my past and that shame says terrible things about me that I am tempted to believe. These things are contrary to the truth that I am not guilty in Christ Jesus (Romans 8:1) and that I do not have to live in shame.
To be free from this, to really let go of my own manipulation, I must recognize the core manipulation in my life, by the Enemy, is to get me to believe lies about God and myself. Satan began in the garden trying to dismantle our view of our Heavenly Father. He is successful, quite often, in doing this through a variety of ways. Does God truly love and accept me? Am I significant to Him and secure in Him? My real issue is misunderstanding who God is and what Jesus Christ accomplished and then answering "no" to any part of those questions. Once I embrace the truth, I recognize and renounce lies as they come my way. Only then do I feel safe enough to drop the manipulation, enjoy relationships, AND practice the gift of discernment in the way He intended it to be used.
Wednesday, February 12, 2014
Actively Seeking Truth
We destroy arguments and every lofty opinion raised against the knowledge of God, and take every thought captive to obey Christ, being ready to punish every disobedience, when your obedience is complete. (2 Corinthians 10:5-6, ESV)
In my previous post, I mentioned a "Part 2". I plan to keep my word on that. However, in experiencing some things this past weekend and rereading that initial post, I realized a potential disconnect with those reading my blog. I want to address that here.
To understand the struggle with manipulation that I am sharing, it is important to understand something that is extremely important. I have many faults...many weaknesses...and I guarantee you that I could spend the rest of my life writing about and sharing on nothing else but those shortcomings. One shortcoming that God has worked diligently with me on since I was a teenager is honesty. My parents can attest to what I am about to share here: I was an expert liar during my teenage years.
Since then, truth has become vitally important to me. I spend a lot of my time trying to discern what's right or wrong, fake or real, and true or untrue. This can be a good thing or a bad thing, depending on my motivation. In the Scripture I have included above, Paul highlights the need for discernment, in EVERYTHING. Speeches we hear, books we read, music we sing and listen to, social interactions with others, exchanges in relationships...all of these can be passively accepted at face value. But this is dangerous.
When we turn off our minds and accept any and every thing that passes through our senses, we inevitably allow things that go against God's Truth to enter our lives. I am going to borrow a good example of this from someone I have mentioned before, Derek Webb. He is a singer and songwriter. He admits his music has been labeled as "Christian Music". The problem, he states, is that although he is a Christian, he is human. Sometimes, he knows he has written music and performed it with lyrics and/or actions that were contrary to God's Truth. Although I have met Mr. Webb and trust the heart God has given him, I must remember that there will be times in which he falls short and offers something that is simply "not good and holy", as he has said. The "Christian label" can be a false advertisement for something that suggests you are safe to shut down discernment and accept anything you hear as true. This is not just applicable to Mr. Webb and his music, of course, but with anything we consume.
Another example is myself. I have counseled people for around six years now. During that time, I have also had the wonderful opportunity to speak in several different Sunday School classrooms, preach to a few congregations, and even write on this blog. Although I know very well that I take all of those interactions seriously and deeply long to only present that which is true, I have messed up...more than a few times. Some of those interactions I would love to go back and scrap altogether now that God has shown me what I thought was true was not true at all. Sometimes He has shown me that my motivation was not love, which makes any truth just an aggravating noise to those around me.
A huge part of walking by Grace through Faith is aggressively comparing what we see, hear, and experience in other ways to what God says is true. When I fail to be actively developing a filter day by day with His truth, I make myself a target for deception. This comes, ultimately, from the Enemy, but he works through many people and things to accomplish his goal of manipulating us to buy into his lies. Often, those he works through do not even realize they have been a conduit for his attack. Anything that is manipulative is not truthful, so it does not come from God. He is as straight forward, honest, and true as one can be.
So, as I move forward with "Part 2" of my posts on manipulation, I want to keep things in perspective. Although I struggle with how I use it, discernment is vitally important. I believe it is something we have lost touch with as followers of Christ. Even when it is mentioned, it's often misinterpreted as some "feeling" you get. It's not. Discernment is based solely on truth. It's a conscious choice we make, whether we are listening to a sermon or watching TV. As Paul states in 2 Corinthians 10:5, take every thought that crosses your mind captive, compare it to what God says, and then move forward in Truth. The Holy Spirit makes this possible, but we must exercise it.
In my previous post, I mentioned a "Part 2". I plan to keep my word on that. However, in experiencing some things this past weekend and rereading that initial post, I realized a potential disconnect with those reading my blog. I want to address that here.
To understand the struggle with manipulation that I am sharing, it is important to understand something that is extremely important. I have many faults...many weaknesses...and I guarantee you that I could spend the rest of my life writing about and sharing on nothing else but those shortcomings. One shortcoming that God has worked diligently with me on since I was a teenager is honesty. My parents can attest to what I am about to share here: I was an expert liar during my teenage years.
Since then, truth has become vitally important to me. I spend a lot of my time trying to discern what's right or wrong, fake or real, and true or untrue. This can be a good thing or a bad thing, depending on my motivation. In the Scripture I have included above, Paul highlights the need for discernment, in EVERYTHING. Speeches we hear, books we read, music we sing and listen to, social interactions with others, exchanges in relationships...all of these can be passively accepted at face value. But this is dangerous.
When we turn off our minds and accept any and every thing that passes through our senses, we inevitably allow things that go against God's Truth to enter our lives. I am going to borrow a good example of this from someone I have mentioned before, Derek Webb. He is a singer and songwriter. He admits his music has been labeled as "Christian Music". The problem, he states, is that although he is a Christian, he is human. Sometimes, he knows he has written music and performed it with lyrics and/or actions that were contrary to God's Truth. Although I have met Mr. Webb and trust the heart God has given him, I must remember that there will be times in which he falls short and offers something that is simply "not good and holy", as he has said. The "Christian label" can be a false advertisement for something that suggests you are safe to shut down discernment and accept anything you hear as true. This is not just applicable to Mr. Webb and his music, of course, but with anything we consume.
Another example is myself. I have counseled people for around six years now. During that time, I have also had the wonderful opportunity to speak in several different Sunday School classrooms, preach to a few congregations, and even write on this blog. Although I know very well that I take all of those interactions seriously and deeply long to only present that which is true, I have messed up...more than a few times. Some of those interactions I would love to go back and scrap altogether now that God has shown me what I thought was true was not true at all. Sometimes He has shown me that my motivation was not love, which makes any truth just an aggravating noise to those around me.
A huge part of walking by Grace through Faith is aggressively comparing what we see, hear, and experience in other ways to what God says is true. When I fail to be actively developing a filter day by day with His truth, I make myself a target for deception. This comes, ultimately, from the Enemy, but he works through many people and things to accomplish his goal of manipulating us to buy into his lies. Often, those he works through do not even realize they have been a conduit for his attack. Anything that is manipulative is not truthful, so it does not come from God. He is as straight forward, honest, and true as one can be.
So, as I move forward with "Part 2" of my posts on manipulation, I want to keep things in perspective. Although I struggle with how I use it, discernment is vitally important. I believe it is something we have lost touch with as followers of Christ. Even when it is mentioned, it's often misinterpreted as some "feeling" you get. It's not. Discernment is based solely on truth. It's a conscious choice we make, whether we are listening to a sermon or watching TV. As Paul states in 2 Corinthians 10:5, take every thought that crosses your mind captive, compare it to what God says, and then move forward in Truth. The Holy Spirit makes this possible, but we must exercise it.
Friday, February 07, 2014
My Issue With Manipulation: Part 1
I am not geared towards enjoying people telling me what to do. I have a tendency to rebel against authority, unless I deeply trust the one in charge. Historically, this can be seen clearly in my relationship with God and people. Sometimes people do not have the authority to enforce their will, so they simply try to cloak their efforts to get others to do what they want them to do (and get what they want). With my mindset, I am often compelled to have my guard up. That being said, I have a keen sense for manipulation.
Recently, I have been praying about and contemplating this great struggle I have with people I perceive as being users and manipulators. Throughout my journey with Christ, searching for truth that will set me free from this, if I am not careful I forget that I, too, fall into this category at times. There are circumstances in which I fall for the temptation to manipulate people to think I'm smart, to try to control my environment for some sense of false security, and to convince others to listen to my advice (this last one is a killer in counseling sessions!). So...I struggle with the same sinful behavior I see in others and hate so deeply.
There is a need to surrender my efforts to control others and my surroundings. In my case, the primary example of how I tend to manipulate is by doing everything I can to disallow the possibility of BEING manipulated (or controlled). This, of course, sometimes flows over into me trying to prevent those around me from being manipulated as well. Discernment is a wonderful thing to exercise, but living in fear of being manipulated is a whole other ballgame. It only leads to anger, anxiety, and a sense of hopelessness. When I am attempting to manipulate, regardless of my perceived motive, I have lost sight of the fact that I can trust God to be intimately involved in those matters, so I jump in the driver's seat. And whether I'm the one manipulating, or if I am the one being manipulated, the end result is pain and suffering.
I obviously have more than just a healthy aversion to manipulation. However, manipulation is the primary tool of our Enemy (his lies are manipulative tools meant to destroy us), so we must not discount it as something to watch out for. It is dangerous, and we need to practice discernment in order to recognize it. God's truth undoubtedly sets us free, so manipulation, being engulfed in lies, can only lead to bondage when we fall for it. I know I hate to see someone I love being manipulated. If I hate it, how much more must God hate to see those He loves being misled, used, and, ultimately, lured away from the truth that sets them free.
Personally, pondering that truth of how God views manipulative forces on this earth helps me to let go a little. If He actually loves me and those I love more than I can fathom, then, as His child, I can fully trust Him to work things together for good. That doesn't mean that we won't ever ignore His voice of truth when He is warning us and, inevitably, believe some of the lies being sold to us on a constant basis. However, He is much better equipped for the job than I am to reach out in truth and love to rescue me and those I love.
The fight is not necessarily "me vs the manipulative forces", rather, the fight is to believe the truth so strongly that the manipulative forces lose their power. This goes back, of course, to my relationship with God through Christ, not how well I protect myself and those around me from manipulation. In fact, sometimes when I dish out truth, it is just noise to those around me. And I must not forget that, at times, I have my own struggle with manipulating others to get what I want. Perhaps I need to deal with this 2X4 in my own eye before trying to yank the splinter out of someone else's.
Recently, I have been praying about and contemplating this great struggle I have with people I perceive as being users and manipulators. Throughout my journey with Christ, searching for truth that will set me free from this, if I am not careful I forget that I, too, fall into this category at times. There are circumstances in which I fall for the temptation to manipulate people to think I'm smart, to try to control my environment for some sense of false security, and to convince others to listen to my advice (this last one is a killer in counseling sessions!). So...I struggle with the same sinful behavior I see in others and hate so deeply.
There is a need to surrender my efforts to control others and my surroundings. In my case, the primary example of how I tend to manipulate is by doing everything I can to disallow the possibility of BEING manipulated (or controlled). This, of course, sometimes flows over into me trying to prevent those around me from being manipulated as well. Discernment is a wonderful thing to exercise, but living in fear of being manipulated is a whole other ballgame. It only leads to anger, anxiety, and a sense of hopelessness. When I am attempting to manipulate, regardless of my perceived motive, I have lost sight of the fact that I can trust God to be intimately involved in those matters, so I jump in the driver's seat. And whether I'm the one manipulating, or if I am the one being manipulated, the end result is pain and suffering.
I obviously have more than just a healthy aversion to manipulation. However, manipulation is the primary tool of our Enemy (his lies are manipulative tools meant to destroy us), so we must not discount it as something to watch out for. It is dangerous, and we need to practice discernment in order to recognize it. God's truth undoubtedly sets us free, so manipulation, being engulfed in lies, can only lead to bondage when we fall for it. I know I hate to see someone I love being manipulated. If I hate it, how much more must God hate to see those He loves being misled, used, and, ultimately, lured away from the truth that sets them free.
Personally, pondering that truth of how God views manipulative forces on this earth helps me to let go a little. If He actually loves me and those I love more than I can fathom, then, as His child, I can fully trust Him to work things together for good. That doesn't mean that we won't ever ignore His voice of truth when He is warning us and, inevitably, believe some of the lies being sold to us on a constant basis. However, He is much better equipped for the job than I am to reach out in truth and love to rescue me and those I love.
The fight is not necessarily "me vs the manipulative forces", rather, the fight is to believe the truth so strongly that the manipulative forces lose their power. This goes back, of course, to my relationship with God through Christ, not how well I protect myself and those around me from manipulation. In fact, sometimes when I dish out truth, it is just noise to those around me. And I must not forget that, at times, I have my own struggle with manipulating others to get what I want. Perhaps I need to deal with this 2X4 in my own eye before trying to yank the splinter out of someone else's.
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