My Issue With Manipulation: Part 2

While it is wonderful to practice discernment in my life and to share that with others, when I find myself anxious, or even angry over it, I need to join God in examining my heart. God's gift of discernment helps us to recognize anything that goes against His truth. It helps us to pick up on attempts to deceive us. However, discernment comes with a sense of peace, not fear. And that's where I find myself often: fearful of what might happen if I do not put great effort into making sure I protect myself.

But what am I so afraid of? What's the worst that could happen if I let down my guard? Immediately thoughts rush through my mind when I ask those two simple questions. "Neil, you will look like a fool! You will get hurt! It will be your fault when something goes wrong!" And that's just a few of them. But it's enough to begin seeing what I fear. I fear looking stupid. I fear being hurt. I also fear feeling guilty if things do not go as planned. All of these are things I want to avoid.

However, when I allow these fears to control me, I find myself being manipulative, trying to control things. I sometimes excessively plan out conversations I might have with others, analyze everything done and said around me, try to dig up more information on what's going on around me so I am ready for anything, be silent as to avoid looking like I do not know something or accidentally "sharing too much", and blacklist certain people. These behaviors prevent me from enjoying relationships because I am consumed with controlling them...all to protect myself. And I do all of this hard work that eventually proves unhelpful. Any control I think I have is flimsy, at best.

Ironically, my fears exist because I have already been successfully manipulated. When I fear looking stupid, somewhere deep down, I have believed the lie that I AM actually stupid, and I constantly try to prove to myself and others that I am not. Perhaps, I might think, God created me incompetent or that I simply cannot live up to what He wants me to. When I fear being hurt, I recall all the times that I have been hurt. I have a difficulty seeing how God was in the midst of those hard times. Then, believing the lie that relationships are just not worth the risk of more pain, I proceed to shut myself off to any possibility of being hurt, which also prevents any possibility of experiencing the benefits of relationships as well. And, finally, when I fear feeling guilty, I recall shame from my past and that shame says terrible things about me that I am tempted to believe. These things are contrary to the truth that I am not guilty in Christ Jesus (Romans 8:1) and that I do not have to live in shame.

To be free from this, to really let go of my own manipulation, I must recognize the core manipulation in my life, by the Enemy, is to get me to believe lies about God and myself. Satan began in the garden trying to dismantle our view of our Heavenly Father. He is successful, quite often, in doing this through a variety of ways. Does God truly love and accept me? Am I significant to Him and secure in Him? My real issue is misunderstanding who God is and what Jesus Christ accomplished and then answering "no" to any part of those questions. Once I embrace the truth, I recognize and renounce lies as they come my way. Only then do I feel safe enough to drop the manipulation, enjoy relationships, AND practice the gift of discernment in the way He intended it to be used.