Blank

Sometimes I just feel blank. I don't feel bad, I don't feel great. I'm somewhere in between, but it's not a comfortable place. I avoid deep thoughts and deep conversations with others. I just skim the surface. I'm definitely not myself when I'm like this. Maybe I'm just tired. That's definitely a plausible explanation. But when rest doesn't seem to help, there's got to be more to it. There seems to be a shift from time to time. It's not all blankness. It begins with some anxiety, which lasts for a while, then I wind up leveling out into this "numbness" again.

I tend to throw myself into things that I believe in 100%. This is not necessarily a bad thing, but there is a downside for sure: blinders. While I'm focused on something that may be important, I overlook people and things close to me that are equally, if not more, important. Perhaps part of the "blankness" comes from the walls I create between myself and those things and people that I have neglected. Maybe a piece of the anxiety puzzle is the uncertainty of what will happen when I am not actively engaged in those things due to the blinders. With blinders on, I even forget the things that I enjoy doing aside from that one thing that I have thrown myself into. This may sound silly, but it's a good example: I used to love video games. They were a cool way to relax and enjoy time with my friends. Long ago, I put this hobby aside to pursue other things. I told myself those things were more important. I now find myself wondering what hobbies might interest me, but I don't take time to pursue them. I've just lost interest. In many ways, I've forsaken taking time to chill out and enjoy things. I'm too dang busy with being sold out to one thing.

I began to really take notice of this recently, when I came back from our beach vacation. Did I enjoy it? Yeah, but I still did not allow myself to truly let go. So I came back somewhat rejuvenated, but nothing like I could have. This past weekend, I had another reminder when I snapped (some anger came out) when I was around friends who were enjoying themselves and I couldn't seem to join in (once again, I apologize to those friends!....You know who you are.).

I'm not sure if any of this resonates with those of you who read this, but I committed myself to share my heart on here, so that's what I'm doing. All of this reeks of a "control issue" for me. In tune with the theme of this blog, this leaves me to ask the question, what does faith look like for me right now? I think part of the answer lies in letting go of control in any possible way that I can. It doesn't really matter how I do it. Any time that I take a step away from trying to control (or manipulate) something in my life, I have the opportunity with God to taste some freedom. In moments like this, I anticipate being able to enjoy something or someone. Control numbs me to the point that everything does feel blank. I must let go of it. This one thing that I have prioritized in my life may need to take a backseat to other things. I must forcibly remove the blinders. My identity needn't be wrapped up in one thing, unless that one thing is Christ. 

In the Context of True Relationship...

There are many wonderful things about being in a relationship. For one, in the context of true relationship you can mess up and know that everything will be alright. That is certainly the case with Christ. You're safe because there is grace. It's awesome when we can experience this with others as well, knowing you don't have to be perfect to be accepted and allowing others to mess up as well. And, to our surprise many times, knowing there is Grace for imperfection will not spur taking advantage of it. Lack of love and selfishness do that. To be blunt, lack of true relationship does that. Hurting the one you truly love hurts you as well. Of course, if it doesn't, we need to examine our hearts because we are merely posing when we say we are engaged in a true relationship.

We tend to label things and then move forward as if our label is accurate, even if there is no evidence to prove it is accurate. For instance, many of us will assign the words "I love you" to how we feel about someone else, but if we were pressed to show evidence to prove those words, we would come up lacking. We often want something in return, and if we do not get it, we are angry. Our words, "I love you", come up empty when we understand what love really is (unselfish, unconditional, patient, etc.). Another example is saying "I am sorry". There is a huge difference between this and true repentance. Repentance is backed up by consistent action...the words "I'm sorry" often is not. It can be the same with how we label our relationships. I can biologically be a "father", but not display behavioral evidence that exemplifies what a father is. I can be a "brother", but not act like one. I can be a "husband" legally, on paper, but not actually be a husband in my heart (and therefore not in my actions either).

In looking at my own relationships with others and noticing that sometimes my actions do not match what I claim to be, I think it would be good to take the time to examine this. It requires that I be really honest with myself. I must look to God's Truth in Scripture to define the labels I have assigned to myself regarding others. What does God really say a "husband", "father", "brother", "son", and "friend" looks like? I need to know what He says and challenge it against what I am actually doing. His Truth will reveal what I need to see (my heart). Perhaps I will find that I am ignorant to some things and simply need new knowledge. Perhaps I will find that I have been deceived into thinking I was something when I really was not. Perhaps I will find that I am just being mean and selfish. Regardless of what I find, the issue behind why I am not engaging a relationship with love and grace will only be resolved by engaging my relationship with God first. By His Grace alone will I be able to be who He created me to be with others. I need to engage what it means to be His "son", His "coworker", His "chosen", and His "loved one". I must not only know, but hold fast to my identity in Christ in order to live it out with others.