A Thin Line Between Love and Control

I am very proud of my son. He is very much like me in some ways, and in other ways, he is very different than me. Where I am what they call "introverted", he is very much "extroverted". He loves people...just being around them, seeking out and making new friends, and enjoying them. Socializing simply energizes him. Although I do love and enjoy people, being introverted, I need my time away from people to be recharged. Socializing DOES NOT energize me like it does him. It's just one of the differences between us that makes our relationship fun and interesting.

One thing we have in common is difficulty with authority. Being his father, this commonality can lead to conversations in which we understand each other and work towards solutions, but it can also lead to exactly the opposite when we do not see eye to eye. Of course, the latter situations are the most difficult to work through, but we do.

The most difficult thing for me is dealing with my fears as his father. I am fearful of what may happen to him in certain situations. I am fearful that he will be hurt, that he will fail at something, that he will miss opportunities, and if I am really honest, I fear that any of those things are a direct result of me being a failure.

Then comes the attempts to control, because that is what typically follows fear. I attempt to manipulate and control the situation so that what I fear does not occur. Unfortunately, when this switch is flipped...when control is turned on, loving actions are turned off. My focus has turned from what is best for my son to what is best for me to avoid what I fear. I admit, this is a thin line, because I fully believe there are times in which we must protect others (especially our children) from certain danger and harm. However, it is vastly important for me to allow my son to realize that he is competent to make his own decisions, that he can own and handle the consequences (good or bad), and that he can move forward. If I take that freedom away from him, I essentially rob him of his individuality and confidence. When I attempt to control what he does or doesn't do, I fight against him maturing into the man God has created Him to be.

I thank God for my son's aversion to my controlling authority at times. I say "at times" because sometimes I want to yell because it ticks me off. But when I get settled down, I realize how I needed to be reminded to give him some space to experience things on his own. God uses what I see as rebellion, outright defiance, or disrespect to remind me to trust Him with my son.

I tear up as I write this because it is so true, but it is so hard. Trusting God when it comes to my son is one of the most difficult things I have ever experienced. There have been times, especially when he was younger, that I jumped in and did not allow him to get hurt. One time he brought a poisonous snake up on the golf cart to show me...and it was STILL ALIVE. That was one of those times. But there are many other times that I want to do the same, when the consequences are not as potentially severe, and sometimes when they are.

Knowing when to jump in and when to say nothing is so hard I just cannot figure it out every time. I guess that's one reason why God just wants me to trust Him. The difference between loving and controlling actions has to do with what is motivating me at the time. Faith leads to love. Fear leads to control. Whether I jump in or not, if the motivation is trusting in His love for me AND my son, then the actions that follow will be fruit of that faith, which is what my son really needs from me.

There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love. (1 John 4:18, ESV)