I Feel Guilty

Guilt. I hate this feeling. I often will do anything to avoid it. I talk to people all the time about this painful emotion in their lives because it is a common complaint. As painful as it can be, it is a powerful motivator. We use it in relationships all the time as a weapon, throwing blame back and forth, trying to make the other person feel guilty so we can maybe get what it is we are after at the time. Guilt doesn't feel good, so I want to get rid of it as quickly as possible. We pass it back and forth like a hot potato. That can easily lead to me blaming someone else in an attempt to alleviate the guilty feeling. I think, "If it's someone else's fault, then it's not mine...phew!". I completely avoid looking at my own heart in the process, but hey, "At least I don't feel bad". I manipulate the situation and the other person so that I feel better (temporarily). Nothing good develops in a relationship with someone when this is the path we choose. Manipulation and love cannot coincide.

And if guilt isn't enough to overtake me, fear often is. And because of the extremely negative feeling that guilt is, I believe we can easily develop a fear of feeling that way. I mean, who wants to feel guilty? Therefore, I try to avoid it upfront if I can.This often leads to me doing things I don't want to do in an effort to not be in the position that I will feel guilty later. The downside is exhaustion from taking on too much, and that leads to frustration. This anger will affect my relationship with those that I am "doing things for".

I recently got hit with a load of feeling guilty. In this case, it was not induced by someone specifically trying to manipulate me to feel guilty. Instead, this time it hit me as I realized inaction on my part in someone else's life may have hurt that person. I struggle to sort through guilt when it occurs...to figure out if I actually did something wrong or if I am needlessly beating myself up for something.

When feelings of guilt hit, I question: "Is the burdensome emotion true conviction or is it condemnation?" The Holy Spirit convicts us when we do wrong. There is a feeling that goes along with this that I do not need to ignore. However, the Enemy loves to heap feelings of condemnation on me as much as possible. The trick is, for me anyway, that I can confuse feelings of condemnation with conviction. Therefore, I can be easily deceived here if I am not careful to discern what is actually happening. For example, with my recent experience with feeling guilty, I may give into the lie that I am condemned and beat myself up for something, and believe me, it doesn't take long of that for me to be depressed. However, if I am being convicted, I need to know that and take action. But which is it?

As best as I can tell at this point, conviction sends a message which goes something like this: "You have done something wrong". Condemnation sends a different message, which goes like this: "There's something wrong with you". There's a significant difference between these two. Conviction from God points out a behavioral issue. God is not surprised by my behavioral issues. He knows I need Him to come along beside of me during those times. I can't fix them myself. If I try, I'm not walking by Grace through Faith. He lovingly nudges me with conviction and asks me to trust Him in some way to move forward with Him in addressing the real issue: lack of trust in Him. Condemnation from Satan tries to convince me I am internally flawed, worthless, and rejected. Specifically for me, here are just some of the lies worked into the condemnation I feel at times: "You are an idiot, you are a complete failure, you are a terrible person, and you always mess everything up". Satan says these things, but disguises himself as "an angel of light" so that I think it is God doing it to me.

In my recent experience with feeling guilty, I have come to a conclusion. It was not a case of figuring out whether I did something wrong or was needlessly beating myself up...it was accepting that it was BOTH. There was true conviction, but I allowed condemnation to creep in on it. I had hurt someone in my life. When that was brought to my attention by God, I almost immediately began listening to the lies. I took a behavioral issue that God was wanting to work with me on and turned it into an argument that I was a complete failure to God and this person in my life. This was a massive overreaction to the situation. Walking by Grace through Faith here is focusing on His Truth about who He is and who I am in the presence of feeling guilty. It is moving forward by trusting and living in the mercy that God provides for me and the fact that I am not behaviorally perfect. I can apologize to the one I have hurt and trust in God's redeeming work in both our lives. I can trust that, although I make mistakes and hurt people, I am still acceptable to Him because He chose me in Christ before time even began. It's a done deal. I am His child. When He looks at me, He sees His creation, made perfect in Christ, and He is well pleased.