Blank

Sometimes I just feel blank. I don't feel bad, I don't feel great. I'm somewhere in between, but it's not a comfortable place. I avoid deep thoughts and deep conversations with others. I just skim the surface. I'm definitely not myself when I'm like this. Maybe I'm just tired. That's definitely a plausible explanation. But when rest doesn't seem to help, there's got to be more to it. There seems to be a shift from time to time. It's not all blankness. It begins with some anxiety, which lasts for a while, then I wind up leveling out into this "numbness" again.

I tend to throw myself into things that I believe in 100%. This is not necessarily a bad thing, but there is a downside for sure: blinders. While I'm focused on something that may be important, I overlook people and things close to me that are equally, if not more, important. Perhaps part of the "blankness" comes from the walls I create between myself and those things and people that I have neglected. Maybe a piece of the anxiety puzzle is the uncertainty of what will happen when I am not actively engaged in those things due to the blinders. With blinders on, I even forget the things that I enjoy doing aside from that one thing that I have thrown myself into. This may sound silly, but it's a good example: I used to love video games. They were a cool way to relax and enjoy time with my friends. Long ago, I put this hobby aside to pursue other things. I told myself those things were more important. I now find myself wondering what hobbies might interest me, but I don't take time to pursue them. I've just lost interest. In many ways, I've forsaken taking time to chill out and enjoy things. I'm too dang busy with being sold out to one thing.

I began to really take notice of this recently, when I came back from our beach vacation. Did I enjoy it? Yeah, but I still did not allow myself to truly let go. So I came back somewhat rejuvenated, but nothing like I could have. This past weekend, I had another reminder when I snapped (some anger came out) when I was around friends who were enjoying themselves and I couldn't seem to join in (once again, I apologize to those friends!....You know who you are.).

I'm not sure if any of this resonates with those of you who read this, but I committed myself to share my heart on here, so that's what I'm doing. All of this reeks of a "control issue" for me. In tune with the theme of this blog, this leaves me to ask the question, what does faith look like for me right now? I think part of the answer lies in letting go of control in any possible way that I can. It doesn't really matter how I do it. Any time that I take a step away from trying to control (or manipulate) something in my life, I have the opportunity with God to taste some freedom. In moments like this, I anticipate being able to enjoy something or someone. Control numbs me to the point that everything does feel blank. I must let go of it. This one thing that I have prioritized in my life may need to take a backseat to other things. I must forcibly remove the blinders. My identity needn't be wrapped up in one thing, unless that one thing is Christ.