The Fear of Looking Stupid

I met with an old friend last night for supper. It turned out to be a refreshing 3 ½ hour conversation with someone willing to be honest with me about his own struggles, and I appreciate that. Neither of us had answers for each other. We couldn’t fix each other’s problems. However, the openness, in and of itself, was therapeutic. God definitely works wonders through being real and not hiding behind a mask.

My own continuing struggle with fears, one of which is looking stupid, came up. It seems that I fight this fear all the time. Unfortunately, as God helped me clearly see again through my friend, I often fight this fear, not with walking by Grace through Faith, but by trying to fight it myself. I “fight” it by working hard to be prepared. I “fight” it by diligently avoiding things at times that may expose that I actually don’t know something. I “fight” it by putting on a know-it-all mask. My efforts to hide my own insecurity are deceiving in and of themselves because they look to me like I am being a hard worker, a sincere advisor, or a really smart guy. It is very difficult for me to say the simple words, “I don’t know”.

The ironic thing is, I actually know the issue behind this but still struggle with it. When I am not secure in who God says I am as his son, I see myself as an utter failure. This would be true of me, IF God had not given me a new identity in Christ when He saved me. But He did give me a new identity. I am not a failure in Christ, but it so hard for me to take that to heart.

So what might walking by Grace through Faith in regard to my fear of looking stupid look like? Maybe I need to go back to the drawing board when I catch myself trying to hide my insecurity. Maybe I need to ask myself why I see myself as worthless if I cannot fool others into thinking I have it all figured out. I know I need to surrender myself in some way to the Lord in this and trust His view of me instead of my warped view of myself. Therefore, perhaps I need to take a day to test drive the attitude that it really doesn’t matter what people think of me and allow myself to say “I don’t know” a few times. Maybe God will meet me in that place of terror as I sit there in silence, not knowing an answer, but refusing to hide behind my fig leaf…acting like I do. As Alli Rogers says in her song, “Choosing”: “But maybe this is where I grow, When I admit that I don't know, When belief becomes the only way to you”.