Some Thoughts on Relationships...In and Out of the Counseling Office

Having counseled now for close to four years, I have been blessed to meet several hundred people that I would have never known otherwise. For a person like myself who has always been prone to stay more to himself and only a few close friends and family, this has been an awesome experience. You could say it has really stretched me, in a good way. God has taught me so much through those that have come into my office. Much of what He has taught me about has to do with relationships. I can say I have truly enjoyed the relationships that have developed, although the circumstances that bring many people to me are hardly enjoyable.

In counseling others, I see the development of a relationship as essential. Without this, it is so cold and callous that nothing special happens. I believe God designed us in such a way that we require relationship, with Him and others. I have seen Him, time and time again, truly work through trusting relationships that have been engaged in by myself and those who come in to talk with me. Relationships are not all about identifying problems and fixing them, in a counseling office or otherwise. Sometimes we experience things that no one can do anything about. Sometimes we simply do not want or need someone to do anything other than be present and hear our story. With others, there are times when I need to speak, and there are times when I need to shut up and listen. We all need to be known, and someone who is just focused on fixing often misses the intricate details that make up the person that they are attempting to fix. The fixer becomes a know-it-all that really knows nothing at all because the process of getting to know the other person was skipped. Yes, there is a time for more than sitting and listening, but even then it is not about pushing the other person around with bold steps or rules on what to do. Rather than driving someone like a cowboy drives a heard of cattle, it should look a lot more like walking with the person as they move forward, taking steps together and sharing the personal experiences along the way.

Of course, authenticity is required in the development of a good relationship. Without it, the relationship is faulty. Any trust that is developed on a bad foundation will eventually crumble, and being fake is a bad foundation. But authenticity takes courage. It is a risk to open up with someone and be real. It's much easier to put on a mask at times when I do not know how the other person will respond to the "real me". However, the rewards of being real with trustworthy people are great.

Let me steal a quote from a favorite book of mine, Truefaced...we must "trust God and others with who (we) really are" in order to have meaningful relationships. Trusting the Lord with ourselves, the good and the bad, is necessary for us to be able to truly receive all the gifts He is showering us with...things like forgiveness, love, acceptance, and healing. If we close ourselves off to Him, we do not receive those wonderful things that we need so desperately. God loves to work through the relationships we have with each other. We cannot separate how we interact with others and how we interact with God. If we have closed ourselves off to Him, we've done the same with others, and vice versa. When we are intimate with and love Him, we are intimate with and love others.

Change...by Grace through Faith

In dealing with stress, identifying the things that stress you and making changes is important if you don't want to be miserable and potentially take years off your life. This is not as easy as it sounds. Making changes in my life requires something of me. I typically have to face my greatest fears to make real, lasting changes. It's easy to talk about what I need to do or just throw a pity party about how I am struggling at times.

I think about Abraham and how God called him out of Ur in Genesis 12. It couldn't have been easy for Abraham to just leave his home, not knowing for sure what was ahead of him. The same with Saul in 1 Samuel 9-10. He was told by Samuel that he had been chosen to become the first king of Israel. Although being king sounds great, it required Saul to forfeit what was familiar and comfortable to him for the unknown challenges of leading a nation. This is a man who was taller than most other men, strong, and apparently good looking, and yet he "hid himself among the baggage" (1 Samuel 10:22) when Samuel was attempting to introduce him as the first king to the people. Even when there was promise of a great position, change was not something Saul embraced because it was hard to face his fears of failure and not being accepted by others (among other fears that I am sure were present with him). For me, even when there is potential for freedom from some anxiety-provoking situation or perception of my present situation, I hesitate to leap forward. Will I make things worse? Will I leave something behind that I will miss? Will God really follow through on giving me what I need every step of the way? Has God really made me in such a way that I actually have what it takes to do this?        

In James 2:14-17, James talks about faith being dead if it is not followed by action. Change requires putting action to faith. One must follow through on what that person says he or she believes in order for forward progress to occur. I want to stress something here, though. We must be careful that we don't approach this backwards. This is not something we drum up ourselves. Back to the title of this blog, based on Ephesians 2:8-9, we walk by Grace through Faith. We are not to do things to prove our faith or to earn grace, but our actions are still a vital part of the whole thing. It's the evidence that the Grace through Faith is at work. The actions (or good works) follow the faith. Therefore, change in our lives can be a great piece of evidence that we are living by Grace through Faith. When there is no change, and we become sluggish or motionless, we need to check our hearts and see how we might not be trusting the Lord with certain things in our lives.