Eternally Clean

⁶ He came to Simon Peter, who said to him, “Lord, do you wash my feet?” ⁷ Jesus answered him, “What I am doing you do not understand now, but afterward you will understand.” ⁸ Peter said to him, “You shall never wash my feet.” Jesus answered him, “If I do not wash you, you have no share with me.” ⁹ Simon Peter said to him, “Lord, not my feet only but also my hands and my head!” ¹⁰ Jesus said to him, “The one who has bathed does not need to wash, except for his feet, but is completely clean. And you are clean, but not every one of you.” (John 13:6-10, ESV)

Approaching the time that He would be crucified, Jesus chose to wash His disciples feet at the last meal He was sharing with them. Peter, as usual, did not mind speaking up on how he felt and refused for Jesus to wash his feet. Once Jesus told him of the importance of being washed, Peter wanted much more than just his feet washed. However, Jesus further explained that Peter was already clean, except for his feet.

Trusting in Jesus is much more than just acknowledging that He has "paid for my sins". Jesus' death, burial, resurrection, and ascension to the Father is something that I personally identify with and enter into myself. Following Christ, the old me has been killed off and buried. The man God created me to be has been made fully alive. God has made me His son and a citizen of heaven. This was a permanent adoption, and I can rest in the fact that He will never turn away from me.

Walking through this life I will need my feet washed frequently due to the filth I get myself into. This will not always be a fun process but a necessary one. My behaviors will not always be in accordance to who I am in Christ because I often lose sight of this new identity. However, the overall ugliness that once separated me from God has been purged in a one-time washing that never needs to be repeated. In Christ, I am forgiven, a saint, a son of God, blessed, and loved unconditionally. 

During this time of year that we have chosen to focus on gratitude, I am very thankful for the truth that the washing that God provided through Jesus is eternal. I am thankful that I do not have to worry about slipping out of His hand at any point. I pray that I, as well as my readers, can rest in this truth despite the temptation to think we are too messed up at times for Him to love and accept us.

Just Like Dad

Good friends of ours were visiting us recently at our home. They had their little boy with them, who was entertaining us all. I watched him as he was interacting with his mother and father, which, for some reason, really caught my attention more than usual that evening. Then, all of a sudden, something bad happened in the football game we were watching on TV. "Dang it!" exclaimed the father. I believe I yelled out something as well. Then, without hesitation, "Dang it!", exclaimed the son.

Now, before anyone gets carried away, this is not a post designed to guilt us parents into "being better role models", so if that's where your mind just went...please, reboot and then continue reading. Rather, this post is a simple appreciation of how our children tend to copy us and how this relates to us and our relationship with God.

Where does this come from? I know it's a natural tendency...pretty much everyone knows that. Our kids want to be like us, and this is clearly seen when they are young. When our children came into this world, we, the parents, were the first and biggest thing in their lives. In a healthy parent-child relationship, that child learns that he or she is loved, accepted, and protected. In a not-so-healthy environment, a child may not learn those things, but he or she still yearns for those things to be true. A child almost intuitively wants to trust the ones in the parenting role. This inevitably leads to a desire to imitate those parents, even if it is something they do subconsciously.

Created in the image of God, this must have some relevance to our identity as children of His, but have we gotten this thing backwards? I have heard many times how I need to imitate Christ. I need to "do what Jesus would do". This often times leaves me more frustrated than when I started. It should come as no surprise that I fail miserably time and time again. I am trying to imitate perfection, you know.

In watching the young man at my home a few nights ago, I noticed that no one had to ask him to repeat what his father had said. And this young man's copying of his father's behavior is not limited to comments about a football game. I have seen him copy both of his parents in awesome ways that any parent would be happy about. No one has to ask him to do those things either. He just does them, as I stated earlier, intuitively. A deep, and personal, relationship has been formed between this young one and his father (and his mother, too, of course). He trusts them, fully. He knows who they are and what they are willing to do for him. He has seen it. He has experienced it first-hand. Yes, he rebels, at times, as all children do, but he looks up to his parents and, deep down (even when he is being difficult), has a desire to please them.

I believe this to be the same with us and our Heavenly Father. We can never imitate the good behavior Jesus exemplified without first following in His footsteps regarding the trust He had in His Father in Heaven. Jesus was perfect, but by His image being displayed through that young man in the story above, I am seeing just how perfect He was in the role of a Son. He trusted His Father fully. He had an intimate relationship with God, and this led to Him doing the things His Father would do. No one had to remind Him to love others. No one had to tell Him to speak the truth. It came as a natural by-product of being God's Son.

And so it goes with me. As I fall deeper and deeper into this relationship God initiated with me and know Him as a true Father-figure, I find myself doing the good things He plans for me. This is not to say that there is no effort behind the works. I have said it before, and I will say it again: walking by faith is difficult. There is a concerted effort, but the most effort goes into my trusting Him as that perfect Father that loves, accepts, and protects me no matter what.

And for those of us that are feeling guilty after reading the story I shared above about the father and son, remember this: we don't become great parents by guilting ourselves over silly things like an angry comment at a ballgame, striving to do better, or putting on a good act. It's foolish to think we can be perfect or even fool our kids into thinking we are. The best thing we can do as parents is to be honest about and pursue our own relationship with God. Our kids ARE watching, and it's important for them to see a parent being a child in an authentic relationship with our Father.

I encourage you to follow the link below and either read the letter or watch the video:

http://www.fathersloveletter.com/

The Devil Did NOT Make Me Do It

One morning, a couple of weeks ago, I woke up from a not-so-great night's sleep. I went to bed a little later than I really needed to, and then I woke up a little earlier than I really wanted to. Oh well, no big deal, except for those that I live with. My patience runs thin and my filter is almost non-existent when I go without enough sleep. And if you think that's bad, you should see me when I'm hungry!

It would be quite easy for me to blame my irritability (and the behavior that goes along with it) on lack of quality sleep. If that's not enough, I could blame it on the fact that I had a stressful week at work. And if that doesn't prove the point that it's not really my fault, I will throw in that the weather has been less than ideal for me.

We often blame others for our own issues, but I know I often blame other things as well. Blaming others, circumstances, inanimate objects, or anything else prevents change. Blame gives me an excuse to act any way I want.

The fact is, insomnia did not make me snap at my wife that morning. On another day, being hungry and not being able to eat when I wanted did not make me act like a total jerk to the ones I was waiting on to go get something to eat. And, NO, the devil did NOT make me do any of that stuff, either.

Although it's painful to admit this, my behavior always comes from what's inside of me already. Many things in this world cause stress, but stress, at it's worst, does not cause my behavior to be bad. The very worst it can do is reveal things I am trying my best to hide. Nothing removes a mask quicker than stress. For example, it becomes a lot harder to act nice to people when we are at our wit's end. We lose the ability to hide our true feelings when we just don't have any energy left to keep our masks on tight so nobody sees what's underneath. And our true feelings, like behaviors, are evidence of something going on in our hearts, so it's important to actually take a look at them.

Instead of making excuses, no matter how good they can seem sometimes, we are much better off to own our behavior and emotions. They are always evidence of something deep inside of us. For example, my anger (that's really what it was) became apparent when lack of sleep brought it to a head. Acknowledging that it is coming from me, not lack of sleep or stress, helps me to take a look at why I am really angry. The answer to that question is usually surprising and completely unrelated to what I was blaming it on.

Taking personal responsibility for our actions allows us to acknowledge our own sin. This is part of repentance. It opens the door for God's Grace to wash over us, revealing and healing the things in our hearts that need addressing. We take hold of this through faith, because it requires trust in the Lord to be responsible with our behavior. It's scary to humble ourselves and let others see that we have messed up. It may lead to others making fun of us or pointing the finger of blame at us. It may lead to others being angry or upset at us. It could really set us back on our personal goals at the moment. Faith takes courage. It is scary, even terrifying at times, to exercise faith. It's much easier to keep on hiding and blaming everything else. But it is more rewarding to be real. Blame is bondage, whether we blame people, places, or things.

For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast. For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them. (Ephesians 2:8-10, ESV)

In the long run, the freedom we experience when we are ourselves, good or bad, is awesome. Even when what's revealed is bad, it forces us to actually deal with things we've been sweeping under the rug. Often times the path is rough before it gets better. However, it's through this type of living that we are able to be who God created us to be.

When Rules Aren't Enough

We live in a world full of rules. At times, when we struggle with authority, this can be aggravating. At other times, rules can be comforting because they protect us. In a recent experience, I noticed myself hating the rules that were blocking my goal: I wanted my son to be allowed, with his teammates, to compete at the State 2A Cross-Country Championship. A rule, unfortunately misrepresented by officials, stood in the way. This angered me a great deal, and to be honest, I find myself still struggling at times as I work through the process of accepting that things did not turn out the way I planned.

We use rules for order, and they are necessary for that purpose. However, sometimes the rules become downright excessive. It's almost ridiculous (perhaps it is at times) how many rules we have in society. We sometimes make rules on top of rules in an effort to cover all of our bases. It becomes a control issue. We try to prevent anything "bad" from happening with well-meaning rules, but they often wind up not working as we planned. More often than not, an increase in rules spurs more of a likelihood that people will try to break the rules. We are perpetual loop-hole seekers, or line-steppers (as Charlie Murphy once said).

Church-life is no different. Over time, just as the Pharisees did years ago, we have accumulated more and more rules. Do this, don't do that. We fall for the misguided notion, like the rest of society that we live in, that more rules will lead to morality, making people behave. It just doesn't work out that way. The harder we try to follow the rules, the more we miss the mark.

Our rules, of course, are just a faint, blurry reflection of God's Law. God revealed His Law a long time ago to His people. Since then, we have attempted to add to it (and take away from it at times) in order to make it into something we can follow. The truth is, we can't follow God's Law, and we certainly can't follow all the rules we've piled on top of it. The rules simply are not enough. They are not the answer. No matter how hard we try, we find over and over that we are incapable of keeping the Law. And our rules, although they are necessary to an extent and helpful, just don't provide the protection and morality that we often hope they will.

What is missing with our rules? What is missing when we strive to follow God's Law? Grace. When we are so stuck in our position regarding a rule, things that only Grace can grow in us (things like love, patience, and mercy) fall to the wayside. Jesus once said, "Which of you, having a son or an ox that has fallen into a well on the Sabbath day, will not immediately pull him out?" Although the obsessive rule-follower might say, we can't break the rule of resting on the Sabbath, Grace screams out of love, "You're son needs you! Help him out of the jam he is in!".

Obviously, God's Law regarding rest is important to follow, but there are times when other things become the priority. We only realize this when we are comfortably residing in His Grace. The Law is good, and rules can be good...but when Grace is absent, they are all a curse. When we are pushing ourselves to be good by "doing all the right things" and "not doing the wrong things", we are missing Grace, which is the one thing that gifts us with what we really need. Relying on Christ's fulfillment of the Law is the only way to fulfill it, not attempting to keep it ourselves. And mysteriously, when we truly follow Him, we are more apt to fall right in line with what the Law states. When we trust Him, we also love, forgive, work, rest, and worship the One who has freely given us His Grace.

And for me and my recent bad experience with rules and those enforcing them, Grace is the answer here as well for my anger and hurt. I must continue the fight to trust the One who is Sovereign. I must remind myself of the truth that He is greater than any decisions made by a human governing body. Not only that, but He is able to work far greater things out of a situation than any plan I could come up with, even when I felt so strongly that mine was the only way things could be made right. Fighting for my son and his teammates was an honor and a blessing, and I don't regret it one bit. Now I must trust that One who is infinitely mightier than me has been, and is currently, fighting for them as they move forward after this difficult time in their lives.

Goal-Oriented

Some of us consider ourselves goal-oriented, while others...not so much. However, we all have goals, whether we realize it or not. The mere fact that we all have needs dictates that we will at least have goals designed around meeting our particular needs. So, it is safe to say, we are ALL goal-oriented. However, this may not be such a good thing, depending on the reasoning behind our goals. 

Forgive me while I plunge into the political realm for a second to offer an example. I dare say that there are some politicians out there that say their goal is one thing, but their hearts are really set on something else. One might say his goal is to help a certain segment of the population, while his true intent is to appease and use them in order to get the votes he needs to be elected. Money may be a factor, but power usually is a big temptation for elected officials. So the stated goal is to help others, but the real goal may be to help himself.

A good personal example of trickery with goal-setting is if I were to smile at someone as if I were listening to them. My expressed goal may appear to be to care about them and hear what they are saying. However, my real intent might be to get out of that conversation without the other person being mad at me for being uninterested in what they are saying. Therefore, my real goal? It may be to simply to be accepted or avoid conflict. To avoid the controversy and rejection, I put on an act, appearing to be interested when I am really not. As with the politician in the previous example, I am more about helping myself than the other person. 

With it being so easy to hide our true intent, at times even from ourselves, it becomes a way of life for some of us. Those of us that are desperate to be accepted, we may put on a people-pleasing mask everyday in order to meet our goal. For those of us who are anxious, we may avoid certain things in order to feel safe. This winds up keeping us from experiencing life and being joyful. And to be fair to the politician in the example above, many of us struggle with the same thing he struggles with...feeling insignificant and searching for something to make us feel better about ourselves. For him, it may re-election, for us it may be moving up the corporate ladder, going out with an attractive person, being recognized for an accomplishment, or simply winning a pick-up game of basketball.

Identifying our true goals is important. It helps us realize what we are really after, so then we can begin to address what is leading us to run after such things. To do this, we must take a look at what we are doing and what we are feeling. These are evidence of our true intent. For instance, if we are getting anxious or angry, that may be a sign that we are not getting what we want (hence, our goal is not being met). As with my example of smiling and "listening"...if I find myself feeling anxious, or even a little frustrated, with the other person, I very well could be after more than just an opportunity to listen to them share their heart about something. 

While identifying goals is important, when you boil it all down, attempting to revise our goals may not be the next best step. A better step is to give them up altogether. Bad, or unhealthy, goals come from bad beliefs. We can't surrender our goals without our view of things being changed first. If we believe we are unlovable, trying to drop the goal of being loved is unhelpful. Even if we could be successful in changing that goal, we still have a major issue: we believe we are unlovable!

If we are determined to revise our goals in a good way, the first goal should be to find the truth. There are many places to look for truth, but there is only one source. While emotions, experiences, and relationships here on earth may lie to us, God is consistent in telling us the truth. In fact, one of the descriptions of Jesus was that He is "the Truth". Jesus chose to lay down His life for His bride, the Church. God's love for us has been amazingly demonstrated through that act. Not only has He promised to meet our needs, but He has demonstrated how far He will go to do so.

To accept the truth of how God views each and every one of His children is to gain the ability to give up goals to meet our needs on our own. If I am accepted by the King, then I do not need the acceptance of the people. If the Creator of everything has a purpose for me, then I do not need to seek significance in this world. And most importantly, if my Heavenly Father truly loves me unconditionally, I needn't worry about searching for someone to love me in order to prove myself lovable. Believing these truths are examples of faith. It is sometimes much more difficult to walk by Grace through Faith than we realize because we fail to see how goal-oriented we really are when it comes to our needs. 

Self-Worth

Self-esteem is a high commodity. Books geared towards helping one build up his or her self-worth have been flying off shelves for decades. Motivational speakers can fill large stadiums, drawing crowds easily whereever they go. Counselors, therapists, and ministers all see people regularly who are struggling due to how they see themselves. As a whole, we are hungry to feel better about ourselves.

There appear, to me, to be more than one phase that we can be in regarding how we view ourselves. There are those of us in the first phase: "Complete Awareness Phase". In this phase, we are completely aware of how negative our view of self truly is. We look in the mirror and hate what we see. We find it very difficult to see even one thing we like about ourselves. We may even struggle with seeing that we have a purpose. When in this phase, we are depressed/emotionally distraught. We feel hopeless most of the time. This is a scary place to be.

The second phase is the "Aware But Hiding Phase". Some of us know exactly how we view ourselves, but we are "working on it". We are attempting to cloak just how unacceptable/unsuccessful/unlovable/ugly/weak we think we are. There is a considerable amount of anxiety associated with this phase. The uncertainty of whether we will find what we are looking for is stressful. In this phase, we hide behind things such as our children, hobbies, work, wealth, power, attaining goals we set, appearance, skills, knowledge/education, or a boyfriend/girlfriend/spouse. In this phase, we work our butts off to find a satisfiable view of ourselves through something outside of us.

The third phase is the "Unaware and Striving Phase". Similar to the previous phase I mentioned, this one includes a lot of trying to find worth in things in this world. The difference is, in this phase, we are either so good at finding temporary feelings of worth in people/performance/things, or so oblivious to the truth for some other reason that we are also temporarily unaware of just how in the tank our self-worth is. A good example might be a professional athlete who is very good at what he or she does. The only time people in this position might realize how they truly view themselves is when they have an injury and cannot perform at the same level anymore. Then they are faced with the truth: "Their value was dependent upon something that was fleeting!".

I would bet that 99% of anyone reading this, including myself, is in one of these phases, at least in some way. I admit, Phases I and II are popular choices for me. Years ago I was provided with knowledge about myself that made Phase III difficult for me to reside in now. The veil has been removed. Now it feels like this: "scramble to put the tiny veil back on or sit in a pile of miserableness".

In this world, there truly are no other options...not that I can see this morning, while I sit here in this quiet house, pondering the things that run through my mind early in the morning before anyone else is up. But as a person who has seen, firsthand, others find freedom from the cycling through of those three phases, I need to remind myself where my real worth is found. Yes, I do have worth, despite the lie that I believe that I do not.

When I make a large purchase (car, furniture, etc.), I often do not know enough about the item to know the value of that item. Without some trustworthy information about that item, I might wind up purchasing something for more than it is worth. To get the best idea of its value, I think the ideal source to check is the designer/creator of that item. He or she would know what materials were used, who assembled it (and how carefully they did it), and how valuable it truly is.

In searching for our worth, we need to look to the One who knows us best: our Creator. He knit us together in the womb. He knows what "went into making us". He valued us so greatly that He paid a high price for us to be set free and to call us His own children. He sent His own Son, who willingly chose to be put to death to save us. We were purchased for a price so high it cannot be fathomed. Our value and worth, dependent on God's love for us, is as great as that immeasurable love. God, our Father in Heaven, cannot love something of no value.

Perhaps "self-worth" is a bad way to describe the true worth we have in Christ. It is a "worth based on Christ". Although our feelings, what others think, what our experiences teach us, or even what we think might contradict the truth about our value in Jesus Christ, they are all flimsy things to rely on in evaluating our view of self. All the failures and rejection in the world will not and cannot devalue us one bit. The value placed on us as children of God is eternal because His love for us is eternal.

Strategic Deconditioning

The setting in 2 Samuel 7 is this: King David has finally come to a moment in his life that he can rest. He has spent years fighting battle after battle. God has given him victory over the opposing forces time and time again. Now, David wants to do something I think many of us would think about doing at a time like that. It's time to move on to the next big thing. David wants to build God a temple to dwell in. He may have been thinking, "Why slow down now? Let's stay busy with 'the Lord's work'." At least that's probably what I would have said.

However, that was not God's plan. Instead, God put off the building of a temple for David's offspring. Nathan, the prophet at the time, delivers the message to David. The following passage (2 Samuel 7:18-29) details David's prayer after receiving this news from God. The ESV of the Bible calls this "David's Prayer of Gratitude". David goes on and on praising the Lord, recognizing all that He has done. His words reflect an awe of God. David is worshipping his Heavenly Father deeply and passionately. David didn't get what he wanted, but he got what he needed: a stop sign from God. It appears to me that, instead of "getting busy with something else to do", God called David to slow down and rest.

Years ago, I discovered a hobby that I really enjoy: lifting weights. Any weight lifter that knows anything about building muscle will tell you, you don't grow muscle in the gym. You put in the hard work in the gym, but you grow when you rest. If you don't rest, you just tear your body down, and it doesn't have time to repair itself. One workout plan I have followed for a while requires a full week off periodically. It's called "Strategic Deconditioning". Without this crucial rest break, the workout only leads to overtraining (injuries, sickness, and actual LOSS of muscle mass). But after this crucial week off, your body is ready to move to the next phase of training.

David was probably worn down from all the fighting. Although he did not realize it, he needed time to rest, heal, and grow. We all need those periods in our life where we stop for a moment and chill out. I know for me, when I find myself pushing myself harder and harder, I eventually find myself anxious, having a difficult time getting a good night's sleep, and short-tempered. I also find myself isolated from God. And it's not that I am not doing the things typically acclaimed as what a Christian "should be doing". I may be spending my time in my morning devotions, attending church regularly, and participating in the new small group study on Sunday nights, but the busyness of it all detracts from any depth in my personal relationship with Christ. Even seemingly good things can often become more of a chore to mark off of my list than an intimate conversation with God and others.

And so I sometimes find myself struggling, itching to jump forward. I try to recall how disastrous that can be when I do not take a time-out every now and then. I have definitely experienced that before. It's not fun. "Waiting on God" is hard. But as with the story of David in 2 Samuel 7, I can see that "waiting" doesn't necessarily mean twiddling my thumbs. The down-time He gives me is not only healing and relaxing, but it is crucial to my growth. It's crucial to my relationship with God becoming more real to me in a world that screams at me to "STAY BUSY!", all the while robbing me of the relationships with Him and others that really matter.

He MAKES me lie down in green pastures. He LEADS me beside still waters. (Psalm 23:2, ESV, emphasis added by me)

The Opiate of Blame

And they heard the sound of the Lord God walking in the garden in the cool1 of the day, and the man and his wife bhid themselves from the presence of the Lord God among the trees of the garden. 9 But the Lord God called to the man and said to him, “Where are you?”2 10 And he said, “I heard the sound of you in the garden, and I was afraid, cbecause I was naked, and I hid myself.” 11 He said, “Who told you that you were naked? Have you eaten of the tree of which I commanded you not to eat?” 12 The man said, d“The woman whom you gave to be with me, she gave me fruit of the tree, and I ate.” 13 Then the Lord God said to the woman, “What is this that you have done?” The woman said, e“The serpent deceived me, and I ate.” (Genesis 3:8-13, ESV)

Anyone who knows anything about me probably knows that I have been a fan of old-school Smashing Pumpkins music for a long time. Recently, while listening to one of my favorite songs, a lyric sung by Billy Corgan stood out to me. In the song “Soma”, he makes the statement, “The opiate of blame…is your broken heart”. While I think Corgan was pointing towards something else entirely, I began pondering something about the “opiate of blame” part.

In a previous post, I talked extensively about manipulation in our lives. One of the most used forms of manipulation is blame. It goes way back to the Garden of Eden. Adam quickly blamed God, Eve, and Satan for his sin. When we place blame on someone or something other than ourselves, we choose to shift the focus off of ourselves. Instead of taking responsibility for our own choices (standing by and saying nothing as Eve had a conversation with Satan, eating the fruit offered by Eve, etc.), Adam chose to blame others in an attempt to avoid his own guilt and shame.  

Blame is like an opiate. Opiates are painkillers. They offer a quick escape from reality. When we do something wrong, there are consequences, and those consequences affect ourselves and others. Blame is used to manipulate a situation so that the pain of personal guilt is killed. Blame appears to be an escape from the consequences of our actions. It feels much safer than owning our mistakes. It feels much easier than taking personal responsibility for something. These feelings are lying, however, just like the feelings ascertained by taking opiates. When on an opiate, the damage that is causing the pain is still there, although temporarily numbed. It is the same with blame. Later, these things will resurface, just as the pain does after an opiate wears off. And while we are numbed, more damage will be done because the pain is not there to warn us to stop. Blame is different than opiates in at least one way. Opiates have a place in medicine for those who need it. Blame is an insidious drug that, even in moderation, has no real, lasting benefits.

Blame is tempting only because we fail to see the truth behind what it is and what it does. Blame requires absolutely no trust in the Lord whatsoever and only tears down relationships with others. It is an act independent of God that leads to all kinds of painful consequences that only get worse due to the delay in dealing with them. The truth is, although every situation involves people on both sides who are at fault for something, it is advantageous to no one to point fingers.

It is vitally important for us to acknowledge our tendency to blame. Once we are willing to acknowledge this tendency, we can sense the Holy Spirit nudging us so that we can catch ourselves in the act. We can then choose to take a step of faith rather than settle to hide behind blame. If all those involved in a given situation chose not to blame, issues would be resolved and relationships would be restored. If only one person decided to take up his or her own responsibility, that one person would be able to move forward, even if the relationship did not. But when no one is willing to look at themselves…when everyone chooses to blame, then everyone is bound to the consequences of unaddressed hurt and shame, which are extremely painful, even if the blame delays the onset of symptoms.  

A Fork in the Road: Manipulation or Faith?

What causes quarrels and what causes fights among you? Is it not this, that your passions are at war within you? You desire and do not have, so you murder. You covet and cannot obtain, so you fight and quarrel. You do not have, because you do not ask. You ask and do not receive, because you ask wrongly, to spend it on your passions. You adulterous people! Do you not know that friendship with the world is enmity with God? Therefore whoever wishes to be a friend of the world makes himself an enemy of God. Or do you suppose it is to no purpose that the Scripture says, “He yearns jealously over the spirit that he has made to dwell in us”? (James 4:1-5, ESV)

My wife, son, and I got into watching the television show Big Brother a couple of years ago. I’m not sure how many of you reading this have actually watched the show, but it’s basically a group of people locked up in a house for a couple of months competing for $500,000. People are voted off each week until only one remains and that person is the winner. Needless to say, since the people in the house are the voters, there are all kinds of mind games being played. Everyone wants to win the money, so everyone is trying to figure out how to get everyone else to keep them in the game. Although many seem to be fooled into thinking they have developed great relationships with fellow cast members, more often than not, this is only a charade by the others to get what they want.

It is really easy for me to sit back and be critical of the casts and how they are often willing to do and say anything to get what they want. However, truth be told, we all struggle with being real with others to some degree. We are all guilty of manipulating others to get what we want.

With the needs that we are all walking around with (things like love, acceptance, security, and significance), we often find ourselves desiring for one or more of these to be met in our lives. Instead of a cash prize, our needs being met is the thing we seek. That’s when we come to a fork in the road: will we choose faith in our Father to provide what we need or manipulation to get what we want? The path we choose determines whether our relationships thrive or take a nose dive. James 4:1-5 is clear that when we focus on getting what we want, we will do sinful things to make it happen. When we choose to manipulate, we argue, fight, cheat, steal, and hate others. We treat others like objects that we can use to get what we want.

Walking by faith is synonymous with trusting the Lord to provide for my needs. If I am manipulating, even in a seemingly small way, then I am not trusting Him. I am taking my life and my needs into my own hands. I am deciding that He may not provide, so I will find a way to get what I want on my own. I will put on a mask and make everyone around me think I am something when I am not, to gain their acceptance. I will fool others into thinking I am capable of things that I am not, to gain a sense of significance. I will be nice to others so that they will take care of me, to feel secure.

But we are not the authors of manipulation. Satan is the great deceiver. In other words, he is the great manipulator. He wanted what he wanted and turned from God to try to get it. He even blatantly tried to manipulate Jesus to do what he wanted Him to do. When we manipulate others, we’ve been manipulated by the Enemy. We’ve been deceived into thinking we can do something to provide for our own needs. Even though we may feel that we are in control, we are not.

Manipulation strips us of our ability to be real with others. It destroys any chance at authenticity in our relationships. It thoroughly prevents us from enjoying others just as they are. And at the end of the day, it never gives us what we really need. At best, it gives us false security, acceptance, etc. because those giving us those things are giving them to us on false pretense. They are loving the act I am putting on (the cunning manipulative device of the day), but they are not freely choosing to love the real me!

Manipulation is a type of bondage: once you go down that path, there’s no way out except to keep putting on masks, or choosing to come clean and enjoy the life and freedom that comes from trusting Him. Maybe that’s one big reason why many cast members on Big Brother start “losing it” emotionally after a few weeks. Manipulation stresses us, traps us, and drains the life out of us.

Maybe we should take a look at shows like Big Brother and realize that the show is not driving people to do bad things (being manipulative), nor are the people struggling with different things than us. The show, in this way, is more a platform to demonstrate the wide-spread issue of us as a whole struggling with the sinful desire to get what we want without looking to the true Provider. It is a magnifying glass focused on just how desperate we are and how dependent we must be on One who can truly meet our needs.

And my God will supply every need of yours according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus. (Philippians 4:19, ESV)

When the "Fruit" Seems to Lie

Every way of a man is right in his own eyes, but the Lord weighs the heart. (Proverbs 21:2, ESV)

Taking time to examine our hearts is a crucial yet underused discipline. Much of the time, we can look at the fruit in our lives, or lack of it, and be clued into what is going on with our hearts. However, although our hearts always reveal themselves eventually, sometimes, the true evidence is not seen at first. It is possible for us to put on a good act. And when what we are doing looks good to us, and especially to others, then we are typically satisfied not to investigate why we are doing what we are doing. We often fail to appreciate the importance of the motivation behind our actions.

For instance...when we decide to "kill someone with kindness", we must be careful not to think too much of ourselves. Our intent is still to "kill", even if the weapon of choice makes our actions appear more acceptable to ourselves and others. Although our actions may make it look like we are doing the right thing, our heart is still bent towards overpowering or hurting, not loving, the other person. When we don't take the time to honestly look at what is motivating us, we blind ourselves to the truth and our wayward hearts eventually do some damage. Unfortunately, the damage is usually what it takes to finally bring us around so that we decide we MUST take a look at our hearts to see what's wrong.

Several years ago a good friend of mine turned me on to an awesome singer/songwriter by the name of Derek Webb. I love many of his songs, but a line from one song in particular jumped out at me as I was writing this post:

"...you can make your life look good
You can do what Jesus would
But you'd be surprised what you can do with a hard heart"
(lyrics from the song, Ballad in Plain Red, by Derek Webb)

These lyrics say, more eloquently than I can, how easy it is for us to get caught up in doing what looks good, while losing sight of what really matters. If our motivation is off, everything is off, no matter how great the performance is. And there is only One who can straighten out a heart issue...and He loves for us to open up our hearts to Him to do so.

Prove me, O Lord, and try me; test my heart and my mind. (Psalm 26:2, ESV)

Why Call It Fruit?

I know I have touched on the subject of "fruit of the spirit" here several times. Paul coins this phrase in Galatians 5:22. Although the exact phrase is not always used, this idea of "fruit of the spirit" is discussed other times in Scripture as well (for example, Colossians 3). Jesus, Himself, talks about fruit. Fruit of the spirit is, quite simply, evidence in our lives that we are walking by the spirit. It is not strenuous effort on our part to do what is right. Fruit shows up when we are believing truth. When we actually take God's truth to heart, our actions and even out emotional state are affected in an awesome way. Fruit is the product of truly trusting God, made possible only through a relationship with Christ. 

The thought that hit me the other day was this: "Why call it fruit?". This may have been obvious to you, but for some reason I had never thought about this much in depth. Paul uses the word "fruit" for a reason. When we walk in truth (please don't confuse this with positive thinking which is just mind games), something special happens. Fruit is produced. Actual fruit, such as apples, bananas, oranges, pears, watermelons, and grapes, all bring to mind something enjoyable to our taste buds. They are filled with nutrients that energize us. They are often sweet. They can be a nice snack or something to compliment a whole meal. 

But we can't just make our own fruit from scratch. Fruit is sourced from certain vegetation that can produce it. It is a miracle outside of our control. We get to enjoy the fruit when we get involved with the vegetation. It's almost like a partnership. The plant does its part, and we just trust it to do so and act accordingly, expecting the fruit by watering it. 

I can now see more clearly why Paul used "fruit" to describe the product of trusting God. He is blatantly telling us how great it is to walk by faith. Contrary to what we may think at times (when faith takes us into difficult places) it is always sweet and enjoyable when we rest in His truth. Paul even experienced fruit while in prison, which still boggles my mind at times when I think about it. 

To top it off, I don't believe for a second that Paul's list in Galatians 5 is an all-encompassing list. Paul was just throwing out a good list to give us an idea of what kind of profits we have in store as believers. There are many types of fruits to eat and enjoy. There are also innumerable enjoyable products of a trusting relationship between us and our Heavenly Father, because He is, in and of Himself, infinitely enjoyable. 

God's Sovereignty: Soothing or Scary

Several years ago, as some of you reading this may know about me, I began a tremendous struggle with anxiety. This included panic attacks (night and day), as well as a general sense of anxiety that plagued me almost continuously throughout each day. It was debilitating. One of the key truths that I encountered that changed my life during that time was a better understanding of God's sovereignty (there is nothing outside of His influence and authority). When I truly realized His infinite love for me and how it was coupled with Him reigning supreme over all things, I also realized that there was nothing to worry about.

Now, I am not saying that I would always believe this, 100% of the time, but it became a common thread in my outlook on life, and, over time, that was enough to relinquish the control that the anxiety and panic had over me. Please understand that I am not implying this as a "quick fix" for any of you struggling with anxiety and/or panic attacks. Much interaction between God and I took place for this kind of truth to take hold in my life.

I had learned incorrectly through life that God was not a safe God. For instance, where was He in the midst of hardship? Experiences in this world had sent messages about Him that were not true, and I eventually bought into them enough that in my twenties, the dam broke and all the fears and anxiety became overwhelming. Of course, at the time, I did not see it this clearly and simply thought I was losing my mind. It's not a pleasant experience to think such as this.

But back to my main point here, the revelation in my life of God's loving, sovereign rule made a huge difference. It was miraculously soothing to me. I was so thankful for His rule and control.

Fast forward to recent months...

I have been noticing some things about myself lately with which I am not content. There has been more anger and definitely more of a tendency for me to try to control things...and of course anxiety. Peace has been evasive. It's hard to explain, but I have noticed many seemingly small things going wrong in my life to the point that it almost felt like something was out to get me. I found my anger progressing past me getting frustrated with people in my life, and becoming more obvious that my anger was towards God. What was He doing with all this control He has over things? Obviously not watching out for me! It sounds ridiculous, knowing what I know about Him, but something had happened to my view of Him that had changed my emotional state and actions. But what?

Yesterday, God made it abundantly clear to me through the story of Joseph being sold into slavery in Genesis 37. His own brothers sold him into slavery, but later in the book of Genesis Joseph was able to see how God was in control, not his brothers, when they sold him into slavery. He had become an authority figure in Egypt and was instrumental in saving many lives, including those of his family, from starvation during a famine. It hit me hard that Joseph was not controlled by his brothers, the circumstances, or anything else. No one or nothing could steal God's authority.

The one thing that was so soothing, so precious to me, I had come to reject. A rebellious spirit had come up in me that was not accepting God's sovereignty. The key, though, to this deception in my life, was that I was still believing in His sovereignty, but leaving out His love for me. It's all too easy to lose sight of His love when I get focused on things of this world. Without love, authority is just cold and I don't want it. I don't think anyone truly desires that kind of authority. How can you trust someone over you that doesn't care about you? Our faith in Him slips when we don't believe in His unconditional love and acceptance of us. Without love backing it, authority can be downright scary. God's huge reminder to me yesterday was to remember His love for me, first and foremost. When that is a reality to me, I am able to accept His sovereignty...and the peace comes with it.

Fruit of the Spirit: Loving Our Wives

Recently, I was honored to be invited to speak to the "Men of Courage" at Mt. Elam Baptist Church. I shared with them from Ephesians 5:22-27. I thought it would be nice to put my notes together in "blog-form" and post them here. Seeing how I have not posted in a while, I figure it's about time I do something! So here it is...

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

²² Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. ²³ For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. ²⁴ Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands.

²⁵ Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, ²⁶ that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, ²⁷ so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. [Ephesians 5:22-27 (ESV)]

It is very easy to read Scripture and find examples of people we know that are good examples of "what not to do". We will read about how someone was dishonest, and immediately, someone comes to mind. We have no problem at all applying Scriptures to others. And that's a big problem. When we are focused on others, we are not focused on our own hearts. It's a sneaky way to play the blame game. If we stay focused on how others are messing up, we don't have to look at ourselves.

In reading the words of Paul from Ephesians 5:22-27, I believe it is all-important for us to make it personal. For instance...men, we need to pay much more attention to the "Husbands..." part. Paul did not say, "Husbands, see to it that your wives respect you and submit to you". Nor did he say, "Husbands, make sure you keep your wives happy". 

Instead, Paul focused on personal responsibility for men. He stressed "loving our wives". But we need to really take a look at what he meant by "love your wives, as Christ loved the Church". It's far too easy to gloss over this and not take it the way he meant it. This verse is VERY heavy with responsibility for us. If it doesn't strike us that way, we aren't taking it seriously. "Love", in this passage, is the word "Agape" in the original Greek. This is much different than the "phileo" type of love mentioned in other Scriptures. It's not just a friendly, warm affection.

This "agape-love" is the kind of love Christ has for His bride, the whole body of believers, the Church. Agape-love is unconditional, steadfast, protective, forgiving, patient, gentle at times, aggressive when appropriate, and safe. For guys like me who struggle and have struggled with behaviors such as withdrawing, holding grudges, losing my temper, and dealing out the silent treatment, this type of love sounds impossible, particularly at certain times in my life.

But then comes the most important thing that we need to know about this agape-love (above all the things I listed previously). This kind of love mentioned in Ephesians 5 is also mentioned in Galatians 5:22. There it is described as fruit of the spirit. This is all-important because it is the key to how this kind of love is possible.

Paul ordered his letters in a certain way. He would begin with important doctrine, or truths that we need to believe. He would follow with important notes on the kind of behaviors that we could expect from believing those truths (fruit of the spirit). He really grasped the importance of our relationship with God and how we need to really put our trust in Him and believe that what He says is actually true. When we take these steps of faith (believing the truth), we act on them and then the behaviors flow from Him, through us, to others. As I have stated in this blog many times, our behaviors are motivated by believing or not believing God's Truth. Our relationships with others are directly affected by our relationship with God.

The portion of Scripture we are focusing on here (Ephesians 5:22-27) is actually from the "behavior-section" of Paul's letter. We often jump to this section, attempt to do all these good behaviors, and then wonder why we fail. Loving our wives is actually evidence of our trust in our Heavenly Father. If we don't address this first and foremost, we are lost when it comes to seeing fruit in our lives. This is good and bad news. It's bad because this is hard to hear sometimes. We often want to blame someone else for our bad behavior. This requires us to look at our own hearts. However, it is good news because we cannot possibly overcome the bad behavior and love our wives the way Paul is calling us to...so we need help...and we have it! 

But then we need to take another huge step out of a bad box we get into a lot as Christians. We often make faith this mystical thing that we talk about, but have very little working knowledge of how to apply it in our lives. We must take the mystery out of it and find ways to make it practical for our everyday walk. 

First of all, it is not nearly enough to know truth. Knowledge without acting on that knowledge is worthless. Knowing the truth and not acting on it is an excellent way to define "dead faith", as James puts it in his book. God's Truth has to be so real to us that we act on it. That is when we see the fruit, such as loving our wives.

Experience helps His Truth to become more real to us. We must act on what we know is true, which is taking steps of faith. If we act on ANYTHING other than truth, we subsequently fail to receive and offer His love.

EXAMPLES:

At this point, I want to offer some personal examples of what it might look like to take steps of faith the way I am attempting to describe here.

Years ago, I remember my wife and I were sitting at home. She had something to do outside and went to take care of that. While she was gone, I decided to vacuum the house. Well, when I finished, I realized she had not come back in yet. I really wanted her to notice what I had done, so I contemplated leaving out a piece of the vacuum cleaner in order to make her aware of my "good deed" without having to say a word to her. In a situation like this, a step of faith might look like putting the vacuum away and saying nothing. Instead of looking for my wife's approval or attention (or whatever it is I'm after), I can choose to seek God's approval (which is readily available because He DOES approve of me in Christ). The fact is, when I was thinking through this, my struggle was that I wasn't trusting fully in God's acceptance of me and was seeking it elsewhere (my wife, through my completion of a chore). Steps of faith like this are not easy, but they are necessary in order to truly love my wife instead of looking to her to make me feel better about myself. And she might not even know what happened!

Another quick example is how I used to, regretfully, make my wife the brunt of my jokes. When in the presence of others, I would make jokes pertaining to her and she would laugh along (sometimes not). I realized years into my marriage to her that this was extremely hurtful, although she had said nothing to me about it. How could I be protecting her, being an advocate for her (as Christ has been for me), and valuing her as the precious gift that she is when I am making jokes about her? Often, I found that I was being critical of her actions and the jokes were subliminal messages that I wanted her to change something. How manipulative! And manipulation is not love. Anyway, my step of faith was giving up this terrible habit by giving her the freedom to be her and shedding some light on my despicable behavior despite the fact that no one really knew how bad it truly was. I had to make a choice to trust God's Truth that giving my wife freedom to be herself in our relationship (not manipulating her to be what I wanted her to be) would produce what I was really after. Building her up and protecting her is far more enjoyable than trying to change her.

I know these examples may seem small and inconsequential, but the reality is that they are real examples of everyday struggles I believe many of us share. If we aren't taking the seemingly small steps of faith, then we certainly are not taking the big ones.

Some men struggle with choosing work first over relationship, others with being passive when they need to be more of a leader, and others with being abusive and controlling. Many other examples could be given here, but I will stop there. There are many works of the flesh that show up when we are not walking by faith. As husbands, our relationship with God is central to everything, including being able to love our wives, and the ability to love our wives comes from faith. When we fail to trust God’s Truth (even in the little things), we fail to love. If we catch ourselves without fruit such as "loving our wives as Christ loves the Church", instead of beating ourselves up or trying harder to do what is right, we need to focus on going back to the drawing board: "By Grace Through Faith". The fruit will follow. 

People Never Change

Recently, in a conversation I had with several others, it was suggested that "people never change". Having counseled many people over the past five years, I admit, I was rather annoyed by this comment. However, after some thought, I realized what this person may have been attempting to convey to the rest of us. In that person's experience, there had been little evidence of lasting change in people who try to change themselves. That's something I can agree with. Attempting to modify our behaviors is fruitless because we are incapable of changing ourselves. For behaviors to change consistently, there must be a deeper change that takes place, and that change must be instigated from something outside of us. There must be a change in the heart, and only God can do this. It does require steps of faith on our part, though. True change does not come about from a passive stance. It is a difficult road to take. Sometimes it's a choice one makes to face the reality of where they are at in life despite the temptation to keep hiding and acting like everything is okay.
Sometimes it's a choice one makes to surrender things to God that they really would like to hold onto due to fear of what may happen if they truly let go. Sometimes it's a choice to take a risk at losing relationships with others by setting up healthy boundaries.

I have had the privilege of counseling many awesome people while serving full-time as a minister/counselor. I have also had the awesome privilege of being invited to come alongside these friends and watch them bravely work through tremendous hardships. I have had the incredible opportunity to watch these people make the choice to trust the Lord and then to watch our Heavenly Father do His work in these people's lives. People may never change...themselves, but God definitely responds to their willingness to surrender to Him...and He definitely changes the hearts of people. I have seen it.

Sin Is More Than I Can Handle

"I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate. Now if I do what I do not want, I agree with the law, that it is good. So now it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me. For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh. For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out. For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want, it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me." (Romans 7:15-20, ESV)

There's a huge difference between God working on my sin with me by His Grace through Faith and working on my sin myself. The first is full of healing and moving forward. It's completely dependent upon Him. It requires that I surrender my own efforts with the full understanding that the other option is hopeless. The other option, working on my sin, is full of failure and more heartache. I am completely incapable of any success when I set out to work on it. It's a completely ridiculous notion that comes from my desire to accomplish something in my own power. It's what all religion outside of Christ is based on. Sometimes it comes from a seemingly goodhearted desire to "do what's right" and to "avoid doing what's wrong". Maybe I tell myself I need to set out on this mission to please others or God. One major falsehood here is in telling myself that I can please God with my actions. Without faith, it is impossible to please Him (Hebrews 11:6), and when I set out to please Him by working on my sin, I have left Him out of the process. I have foregone trusting Him with any of it, and chosen to trust in my own efforts. I think this is a major issue amongst most Christians, including myself. I write about it a lot here because I face it a lot. Part of accepting Christ is accepting my need to completely rely on Him, and that includes relying on Him to deal with my everyday sin problem.

Paul alludes to another major truth in the above passage in Romans 7. He makes the statement that if he does what he does not want to do, he agrees with the law. What I see here is that Paul is highlighting his desire to do what is right and to not do what is wrong. Although he is incapable of doing what is right and avoiding what is wrong, his desire is to do those very things. His HEART is in the right place. Our hearts get into this condition that Paul is describing through faith. We are not saved through striving to change our behaviors, so we certainly do not grow in Christ through striving to change our behaviors (See Galatians 3). God's main focus is our heart condition. Therefore, we should make it ours as well. Again, this is not only pertaining to what we refer to as our salvation, but also in sanctification, or our daily growth. Only by Grace through Faith do we stand a chance against sin because only by Grace through Faith do we connect with a Savior that has power over sin. When we ask God to help us take a look at our hearts, then we may begin to see our motivations, what drives us, our core beliefs, or what really is leading to the sin that we see in our lives. But I cannot help but notice that even though Paul's heart is in the right place at the the writing of Romans 7, he is still struggling with sin. He obviously was not immediately "fixed". When this happens to us, the struggle to trust in and rely upon God's Grace in the presence of imperfections begins. Fortunately, we are forced to rely on Him even more. If not for this, I think we would revert right back to relying on ourselves.

The Battle to Be Still

I sat down this morning to read some Scripture and, honestly, to force myself to spend some time with God. Being still is such a hard thing to do, and I quickly remembered this truth as I struggled to put everything aside this morning, sitting in the den by myself. For me, it is not always a matter of putting aside things to do, but also putting aside the never-ending thoughts running through my head. Both busywork and a busy mind contribute to my neglect of solitude. It took a conscious effort and determination to overcome the onslaught of urges to get up and do something, to take note of reminders on my cellphone, and to acknowledge my brain telling me things for which "I needed to plan ahead". The more I attempted to remain there, seated, the more things seemed to pop up to distract me. Instead of mulling over each thing that popped up, I chose to put them aside, or to hand them over to God (an unfortunately overused phrase that has lost its meaning due to its overuse). If I choose to try to take care of those things as they pop up, I lose the battle to be still. The act of entertaining any of the endless thoughts that come to my mind, in and of itself, deters me from my goal to be focused on listening for my Heavenly Father's voice. Sometimes this fight lasts 45 minutes. This morning it lasted about 20 minutes. And then the peace came. At that point, finally, the reproves, the exhortations, and even the godly rebukes I am so desperately needing overtake all the busyness that I have allowed to overshadow them.

Being still is a necessity, not a nice thing to do from time to time. It's not a nap or vegging out in front of the TV. Psalm 46:10 boldly states "Be still, and know that I am God". Being still is a clearly defined way of relating to God: getting to know Him, hearing from Him, and being reminded of His truths that guide us and ultimately set us free. Being still ought not to be categorized as simply an obligation. Obligation deters from real relationships with God or anyone else. God desires "love, not sacrifice" (Hosea 6:6 and Matthew 9:13). Relationship is a choice. It is something we choose to do because we recognize our need for it and, therefore, we want to do it. Being a major part of our relationship with God, being still must be engaged in out of desire, not out of a sense of obligation to do "what I am supposed to do". But as I was reminded this morning, sometimes that desire must be uncovered once I have allowed other things to overtake it. Being still is a choice, but it is also an intense battle against everything that would keep us busy with anything other than interacting with God.      

Some Thoughts on Relationships...In and Out of the Counseling Office

Having counseled now for close to four years, I have been blessed to meet several hundred people that I would have never known otherwise. For a person like myself who has always been prone to stay more to himself and only a few close friends and family, this has been an awesome experience. You could say it has really stretched me, in a good way. God has taught me so much through those that have come into my office. Much of what He has taught me about has to do with relationships. I can say I have truly enjoyed the relationships that have developed, although the circumstances that bring many people to me are hardly enjoyable.

In counseling others, I see the development of a relationship as essential. Without this, it is so cold and callous that nothing special happens. I believe God designed us in such a way that we require relationship, with Him and others. I have seen Him, time and time again, truly work through trusting relationships that have been engaged in by myself and those who come in to talk with me. Relationships are not all about identifying problems and fixing them, in a counseling office or otherwise. Sometimes we experience things that no one can do anything about. Sometimes we simply do not want or need someone to do anything other than be present and hear our story. With others, there are times when I need to speak, and there are times when I need to shut up and listen. We all need to be known, and someone who is just focused on fixing often misses the intricate details that make up the person that they are attempting to fix. The fixer becomes a know-it-all that really knows nothing at all because the process of getting to know the other person was skipped. Yes, there is a time for more than sitting and listening, but even then it is not about pushing the other person around with bold steps or rules on what to do. Rather than driving someone like a cowboy drives a heard of cattle, it should look a lot more like walking with the person as they move forward, taking steps together and sharing the personal experiences along the way.

Of course, authenticity is required in the development of a good relationship. Without it, the relationship is faulty. Any trust that is developed on a bad foundation will eventually crumble, and being fake is a bad foundation. But authenticity takes courage. It is a risk to open up with someone and be real. It's much easier to put on a mask at times when I do not know how the other person will respond to the "real me". However, the rewards of being real with trustworthy people are great.

Let me steal a quote from a favorite book of mine, Truefaced...we must "trust God and others with who (we) really are" in order to have meaningful relationships. Trusting the Lord with ourselves, the good and the bad, is necessary for us to be able to truly receive all the gifts He is showering us with...things like forgiveness, love, acceptance, and healing. If we close ourselves off to Him, we do not receive those wonderful things that we need so desperately. God loves to work through the relationships we have with each other. We cannot separate how we interact with others and how we interact with God. If we have closed ourselves off to Him, we've done the same with others, and vice versa. When we are intimate with and love Him, we are intimate with and love others.

Change...by Grace through Faith

In dealing with stress, identifying the things that stress you and making changes is important if you don't want to be miserable and potentially take years off your life. This is not as easy as it sounds. Making changes in my life requires something of me. I typically have to face my greatest fears to make real, lasting changes. It's easy to talk about what I need to do or just throw a pity party about how I am struggling at times.

I think about Abraham and how God called him out of Ur in Genesis 12. It couldn't have been easy for Abraham to just leave his home, not knowing for sure what was ahead of him. The same with Saul in 1 Samuel 9-10. He was told by Samuel that he had been chosen to become the first king of Israel. Although being king sounds great, it required Saul to forfeit what was familiar and comfortable to him for the unknown challenges of leading a nation. This is a man who was taller than most other men, strong, and apparently good looking, and yet he "hid himself among the baggage" (1 Samuel 10:22) when Samuel was attempting to introduce him as the first king to the people. Even when there was promise of a great position, change was not something Saul embraced because it was hard to face his fears of failure and not being accepted by others (among other fears that I am sure were present with him). For me, even when there is potential for freedom from some anxiety-provoking situation or perception of my present situation, I hesitate to leap forward. Will I make things worse? Will I leave something behind that I will miss? Will God really follow through on giving me what I need every step of the way? Has God really made me in such a way that I actually have what it takes to do this?        

In James 2:14-17, James talks about faith being dead if it is not followed by action. Change requires putting action to faith. One must follow through on what that person says he or she believes in order for forward progress to occur. I want to stress something here, though. We must be careful that we don't approach this backwards. This is not something we drum up ourselves. Back to the title of this blog, based on Ephesians 2:8-9, we walk by Grace through Faith. We are not to do things to prove our faith or to earn grace, but our actions are still a vital part of the whole thing. It's the evidence that the Grace through Faith is at work. The actions (or good works) follow the faith. Therefore, change in our lives can be a great piece of evidence that we are living by Grace through Faith. When there is no change, and we become sluggish or motionless, we need to check our hearts and see how we might not be trusting the Lord with certain things in our lives. 

Weakness is Strength

...a thorn was given me in the flesh, a messenger of Satan to harass me, to keep me from becoming conceited. Three times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it should leave me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong. (2 Corinthians 12:7-10, ESV)

I have heard this passage from 2 Corinthians mentioned, preached, and taught many times in my life. The irony of a weakness somehow being a strength has always been thought provoking. This past week, a couple of things have happened that have shed new light on this for me. Without going into too much detail about how God broadened my personal understanding of these words from Paul, I want to share my thoughts here.

For a long time, I have seen how my tendency to analyze things has been both a weakness and a strength at times. Obviously, analyzing things often leads to stress and missed opportunities to enjoy things in the moment (weakness). However, the drive to dive deeper into things pays dividends as well (strength). Additionally, when I rely heavily upon figuring things out, I am dependent upon God to ultimately come through for me. My desire to figure things out leads me to Him because I eventually find out that I cannot figure things out on my own.

If you'll notice, I have looked at this oxymoron of weaknesses being strengths only in the context of how it affects me alone. I have always been so self-focused when thinking of the verses above, I have never thought much about how they apply in relationships. God is helping me out of this box in which I have been.

In 1 Corinthians 12:12-31 (I'll paraphrase instead of posting all those verses here), Paul speaks about the Church being the body of Christ, having many different parts. As members of this body, we all work together, but we all have different jobs. None are more important than the other, although, sometimes we may incorrectly view one job as of lesser importance. Though we may doubt a person's role, maybe even our own, at times, we are all intimately woven together as Christ's body. It's really ridiculous to try to separate any one of us from the rest. I know we may tie this in with what this looks like in a "church setting", but that's not what I am talking about here. I am speaking much more specifically about each of our roles in the whole body of Christ, not just the local church. To minimize any of our roles to only one setting would be missing the much bigger picture of which we are a part.

Paul says in 1 Corinthians 12:22 that "the parts of the body that seem to be weaker are indispensable". God made it clear to me through experience recently that mine and others' weaknesses can be transformed into strengths when we share them with each other. I may think that when I offer my, often seemingly crazy, thoughts in a conversation that it gets us off topic, but God may choose to use that to get us on a more important topic at the time by addressing a particular issue with which someone else is struggling. On the flip side of this, when others play to their weaknesses, these can be strengths for me if I will allow them to be. A good example are people in my life who are spontaneous and really live in the moment. Although these tendencies may be weaknesses for them at times, when I allow myself to let down my guard in their presence, God uses these people to give me some freedom when I go too far with my over-thinking things. I am then free to enjoy things and not be so caught up in analyzing everything to death. Although I dearly love my friends that share in my desire to have deep conversations about things, I also need those that are different than me so God can use them to lighten me up! Life cannot be ALL about being in deep thought all the time and trying to figure things out. As much as I love it, it can be depressing! Solomon knows what I'm talking about (Ecclesiastes 1:18).

I know in relationships, we often complain about what we perceive as our own or the other person's weaknesses. Perhaps we should open ourselves up to the possibility that God could work through that perceived weakness in our lives. Instead of rolling our eyes when someone makes a silly joke, maybe we could laugh along and enjoy the moment being lightened up. Instead of being mad at the overly serious dude in the group, perhaps we should listen for any gold nuggets of truth he may have to offer. Ladies, rather than beating yourselves up over not being the perfect "Proverbs 31 woman", you could make it a point to begin seeking from God your own personal identity (the lady He created YOU to be), and what it looks like to just be yourself with others, with all your weaknesses and strengths. Men, instead of complaining about how our wives aren't affectionate enough, maybe we could see it as an invitation to ignite that God-given masculine trait of pursuing our wives more fervently.

God likes to work this way. It highlights the One who deserves all the honor and glory. It also reveals the truth that we all are important to Him. He loves to work with us, through us, between us, and interestingly enough, He doesn't require us to be perfect. He actually is thrilled to work through our weaknesses.   


 

Examine My Own Heart First

"Judge not, that you be not judged. For with the judgment you pronounce you will be judged, and with the measure you use it will be measured to you. Why do you see the speck that is in your brother's eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? Or How can you say to your brother, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye', when there is a log in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother's eye." (Matthew 7:1-5, ESV)

"Therefore you have no excuse, O man, every one of you who judges. For in passing judgment on another you condemn yourself, because you, the judge, practice the very same things." (Romans 2:1, ESV)

One of the hardest things in the world to do is to take an honest look at ourselves and admit what we see. It is so much easier to look at others and proclaim what we perceive about them. We are sinfully inclined to want to place the blame on others. Jesus knew this about us, and, therefore, pointed this out to us in Matthew 7. He also pointed out a good reason not to get so focused on others' issues: we mess up equally as bad as them (Romans 2:1). 

Now...to practice what I am saying here...

Even as I write this, I am tempted to throw out five or six examples of how I see others avoiding responsibility for their own stuff by pointing the finger at someone else. It is so much easier for me to use my ability to analyze things and find mistakes in others. I can nit-pick all day long. However, to do this, I am shrugging off personal responsibility myself. I'm being a hypocrite because I am acting like I have nothing to deal with on my own when I do (Matthew 7:5).

The truth is, I have a lot of imperfections. I mess up all the time. Not only that, sometimes my bad actions come intentionally. When I went into full-time ministry several years ago, the pressure to "look the part of a Christian" came on full force. I have had many fellow Believers tell me they, too, feel pressured to "be a good witness". In an attempt to do this, many times, I will try to cover up my imperfections. This is the worst thing I can do. Not only am I trying to hide it from others, but from God as well (which is ridiculous, but this is what I do although I know better). Hidden sin is undealt-with sin because I cannot resolve my own sin. The best I can do is strive harder to do better, which I always have and always will fail at (Romans 3:20 shows the only thing that comes from this is more knowledge of my own sin that I cannot resolve). The Gospel explicitly states that I must go to Christ for help with my sin. That requires faith, and faith is not seen in hiding, or trying to look or even do better. For me, it is about being honest with God, myself, and others. When I ponder the connections I have made with some of those I have counseled over the past four years, I realize when I have connected and when I have not. Honest examples of personal issues that God covers in His Grace through Christ have turned out to be a great witness to others. Those examples always point to Christ. Blown up examples of "purity" that I have achieved have been turn-offs because no one can connect with them because they are not honest and real. They do not point to Christ, but to self-effort. Who can connect with a guy who only gives examples of how he gets things right?

Another sneaky way I avoid looking at my own heart is by saying others are judging me by pointing out something I have done wrong. While I may be right in my assessment of the one judging, that, in no way, absolves me of guilt of my own sin. They may be right in what they are seeing in me or they may be wrong, but I have judged others just as they are judging me. So, we are both guilty of the same sin.


In the end, its all about the Gospel: walking by Grace through Faith. To receive God's Grace, I must trust that Christ is far bigger than any of my mess-ups. He is more than capable of healing my greatest wounds. He is greater than what people may think of me. His love truly is unconditional, not requiring me to do more good things and less bad things. As these truths become reality through experiences with actively trusting Him step by step, it becomes easier to face my sin instead of trying to hide behind others' sins. At that point, I am capable through Christ of not only receiving God's Grace by Faith, but in offering it to others as well.