Being self-centered is something we can easily point out in others. We see it in those people who always find a way to turn the conversation to themselves. They complain about everything and how bad they have it. They remind us constantly of their last accomplishment, urging us covertly to acknowledge it and pat them on the back. They get angry when we do not show them enough attention or leave them out.
Self-centeredness is not just a problem THEY have.
However, we need not be so quick to criticize these people for making it all about them. Instead, it may pay off greatly for us to take this as a cue to examine ourselves first, as this self-centered tendency is not something to which any of us are immune. In fact, we may be deeper into that sort of world view than we think.
Self-centeredness can be hard to see in ourselves.
The truth is self-centeredness can be rather hard to uncover when it pertains to looking at yourself. Just this past week, God reminded me of a way I do this. Those of you that know me, know that I frequently examine myself as well as others, trying to understand and help both. The first several years as a counselor, I delved even deeper into the self-examination. This was wonderful because the Lord revealed so many things about me that needed to be brought to light. It was a catalyst for many changes. However, there is a point in which self-examination is not healthy, and I have found I cross that line often.
Self-examination can be a good or bad thing.
When I focus so much on self-examination that all that remains is criticism, I have crossed that line. Think about how we view others when we are critical of them. We focus on their weaknesses and how they are not as we would like them to be. We do not enjoy being around them because we do not see the positive aspects of those people because all we see are the negative things we pick out. When we are critical of ourselves, it is no different. We focus on perceived weaknesses, things that we'd like to change about ourselves, and completely miss anything we could enjoy about ourselves.
Self-examination, by its very name, implies focus on self.
The problem, it seems, is that excessive self-examination is self-centered instead of Christ-centered. If the examination process does not lead to discovering joy in who God created me to be, then I have failed to attain the goal of finding something true about myself. Instead, I have sought out to find "everything wrong with me and fix it". This is a path to hopelessness as self-help never leads to surrendering and allowing God to do His work in and through me.
Healthy self-examination leads to freedom and joy, not just more things to fix.
To truly understand an object, one will find out the most about it from its Creator. To truly understand, or "find ourselves", we must not look to discover who we are without conversing with the One who knit us together in our mothers' wombs. Although I can see glimpses of Him in myself and others, it is not likely I will notice these truths without His influence. The more I know Him, the more I know myself and others.
Wednesday, May 28, 2014
Tuesday, May 20, 2014
Reality Check
As a teenager, I struggled greatly with telling the truth. Well, actually, there wasn't much of a struggle going on. For the most part I did not even try to be honest. There were things I wanted others to know, and there were things I did not want them to know. I discovered, during that time, just how awesome my imagination was. I concocted intricate lies that were sprinkled with just enough truth that I was certain my parents (or whoever I was lying to) would be misled. Of course, I had my reasons for doing this that made perfect sense at the time. Ironically, I was a victim of my own imagination and did not know it.
We can lie to ourselves just as good, if not better, than we can lie to others.
Somehow I had misused my imagination to the point that I believed it made perfect sense that I "had" to lie to certain people. Instead of living in reality, I had fallen into an illusion of my own making. I lived several years lying not only to others, but to myself as well. I bought into the lie that I was better off making it up as I went. I even bought into the lie that, amidst my false persona, I knew exactly who I was and what I needed at the time.
When we lie, we block ourselves from the truth we actually need.
I was missing out on so many truths that would have set me free from the anxiety and depression that resulted during that time. The fact is, I was no where near knowing myself, let alone BEING myself, if I was not consistent in how I interacted with others. I ignored the fact that if I lied to those who loved me, then I was trying to avoid feeling the guilt of doing wrong. I was avoiding the warning lights on the dashboard! I was so focused on doing what I wanted, I missed all the signs that those things could not be what I needed.
When we rely on lies and masks to avoid reality, we sabotage our relationships with others.
Of course, in my mind, anyone who offered me truth had to be crazy, out to get me, or worse. I wanted no part of any conversation that did not validate my decisions. I viewed people who disagreed with me as enemies, uninformed, or just plain wrong. I sought people who would only validate my choices (and my lies). Many relationships I had at the time paid the price for my unwillingness to be real.
Despite misuse...our imaginations are a gift from God.
Our imaginations are, indeed, amazing. We can dream of infinite things to experience or create. God's creativity is well seen in these wonderful gifts that He has given us. However, as in my case as a teen, our imaginations can be used in not-so-good ways. When our imaginations lure us away from living in reality, they have ceased to be used the way God intended them to be used. Where we sometimes misuse them as an escape from reality or to fool others, He intended them to be used to find ways to better experience reality and love those around us.
A reality check is not complicated, but it's not easy.
We make the process of a reality check hard because we fear the truth is far worse than the lie we have been living. Typically, looking at the evidence and acknowledging it is all that it takes, but taking a step of faith to actually begin living the truth is difficult. However, it is worth the risk to be able to fully experience the love and relationship God has with us, and to fully enjoy and love those dear to us. The wonderful surprise is that God's Truth about who we are is not what we tend to believe. If we could only see ourselves as He sees us, it would change everything! I hope and pray that God will open up doors this week for each of us to take that scary step to drop the masks and engage that deep longing to freely be who He created us to be.
We can lie to ourselves just as good, if not better, than we can lie to others.
Somehow I had misused my imagination to the point that I believed it made perfect sense that I "had" to lie to certain people. Instead of living in reality, I had fallen into an illusion of my own making. I lived several years lying not only to others, but to myself as well. I bought into the lie that I was better off making it up as I went. I even bought into the lie that, amidst my false persona, I knew exactly who I was and what I needed at the time.
When we lie, we block ourselves from the truth we actually need.
I was missing out on so many truths that would have set me free from the anxiety and depression that resulted during that time. The fact is, I was no where near knowing myself, let alone BEING myself, if I was not consistent in how I interacted with others. I ignored the fact that if I lied to those who loved me, then I was trying to avoid feeling the guilt of doing wrong. I was avoiding the warning lights on the dashboard! I was so focused on doing what I wanted, I missed all the signs that those things could not be what I needed.
When we rely on lies and masks to avoid reality, we sabotage our relationships with others.
Of course, in my mind, anyone who offered me truth had to be crazy, out to get me, or worse. I wanted no part of any conversation that did not validate my decisions. I viewed people who disagreed with me as enemies, uninformed, or just plain wrong. I sought people who would only validate my choices (and my lies). Many relationships I had at the time paid the price for my unwillingness to be real.
Despite misuse...our imaginations are a gift from God.
Our imaginations are, indeed, amazing. We can dream of infinite things to experience or create. God's creativity is well seen in these wonderful gifts that He has given us. However, as in my case as a teen, our imaginations can be used in not-so-good ways. When our imaginations lure us away from living in reality, they have ceased to be used the way God intended them to be used. Where we sometimes misuse them as an escape from reality or to fool others, He intended them to be used to find ways to better experience reality and love those around us.
A reality check is not complicated, but it's not easy.
We make the process of a reality check hard because we fear the truth is far worse than the lie we have been living. Typically, looking at the evidence and acknowledging it is all that it takes, but taking a step of faith to actually begin living the truth is difficult. However, it is worth the risk to be able to fully experience the love and relationship God has with us, and to fully enjoy and love those dear to us. The wonderful surprise is that God's Truth about who we are is not what we tend to believe. If we could only see ourselves as He sees us, it would change everything! I hope and pray that God will open up doors this week for each of us to take that scary step to drop the masks and engage that deep longing to freely be who He created us to be.
Tuesday, May 13, 2014
Stronger Than Fear
Tonight I met with a group of men to honor, support, and pray for a friend going through a very difficult time in his life. Many emotions were felt as those in the room shared past experiences that reflected the essence of who this man is. At the end, this exceptional man stood up front and shared a few words. As he spoke, my thoughts focused on how much fear must be present in his life right now. However, despite the obstacles he faces ahead, he stood tall and ready to face them. I was, and am still, amazed.
Fear is no measure of courage, and this man proves that without a shadow of a doubt. Despite fears pressing against him, he refuses to allow them to control him. He, instead, embraces the love and support of friends and family as he chooses to fight the battle of his life. Trusting God's love in difficult times is hard, but tonight God reminded me through this courageous man that it's possible. And that love is stronger than any fear.
Monday, May 05, 2014
The Good Fight
When we hear the words "spiritual warfare", we might picture a number of different things. My wife tells me she tends to picture the stereotypical angel on one shoulder and the devil on the other, both offering their suggestions in your ears. I, being a bit weird, begin picturing an unseen world of angels and demons, attacking each other on a war-torn battlefield, red skies and all.
Phrases taken from the Bible such as "fight the good fight of faith" (1 Timothy 6:12), "put on the whole armor of God" (Ephesians 6:11), and "the weapons of our warfare are not of the flesh" (2 Corinthians 10:4) indicate that there, indeed, is a war going on. But spiritual warfare is not all about a mystical war that we cannot see with our own eyes, or whether to listen to the good or bad angel on our shoulder. The fight is actually right in front of us. We are in the midst of a raging war, even in the seemingly unimportant things that we do every day.
If I tell you that bears only want to give you a hug, and you believe me, you very well may get hurt when you go up to one and try to give it a squeeze. If I tell you a butterfly has an extremely poisonous and painful bite, and you believe me, you will miss the beauty of them as you run away in fear of them.
Our Enemy constantly uses the strongest weapon he has against us. This pervasive, potentially devastating force is surprisingly not as dramatic as we sometimes think. His weapon of choice is deception. If he can get us to believe even one lie, he has successfully lured us away from reality. This is what happened to Adam and Eve, and it's been happening ever since. Sometimes it feels like everyone and everything is against us. It may feel like the Enemy is everywhere, constantly harassing us, even reading our thoughts and making bad things to happen. However, this is not true at all. Once he's pitched us one of his cunning lies, he can kick back while we do the destructive work ourselves by walking around believing him.
If such ridiculous lies about bears and butterflies can be destructive, put it in perspective and try to picture what widespread damage the following lies can do: "You are a pathetic loser, you will never be good enough, you are fat, you are ugly, no one likes you, you are stupid, God wants you to work harder to please Him, God doesn't care about you, that one thing you keep beating yourself up for is too bad for God or anyone to forgive, and you are just a terrible person". In my experience, lies like this are common. They tend to focus on who God is and who I am.
So how do we fight this "good fight"? Timothy blatantly tells us this good fight involves faith. Faith is the most powerful weapon we have been given by God. What better way to fight lies than with truth? Lies pour into every aspect of our life, affecting our emotions, physical health, and relationships. They fuel issues while attempting to raise a child, confront a person who has wronged us, or work through extremely disappointing circumstances. Trusting Him provides us with what we need to dispel lies, see things clearly, and act on things confidently. The Truth sets us free and allows us to enjoy the things God intends for us to enjoy, including such things as relationships, work, and, yes, butterflies.
Phrases taken from the Bible such as "fight the good fight of faith" (1 Timothy 6:12), "put on the whole armor of God" (Ephesians 6:11), and "the weapons of our warfare are not of the flesh" (2 Corinthians 10:4) indicate that there, indeed, is a war going on. But spiritual warfare is not all about a mystical war that we cannot see with our own eyes, or whether to listen to the good or bad angel on our shoulder. The fight is actually right in front of us. We are in the midst of a raging war, even in the seemingly unimportant things that we do every day.
If I tell you that bears only want to give you a hug, and you believe me, you very well may get hurt when you go up to one and try to give it a squeeze. If I tell you a butterfly has an extremely poisonous and painful bite, and you believe me, you will miss the beauty of them as you run away in fear of them.
Our Enemy constantly uses the strongest weapon he has against us. This pervasive, potentially devastating force is surprisingly not as dramatic as we sometimes think. His weapon of choice is deception. If he can get us to believe even one lie, he has successfully lured us away from reality. This is what happened to Adam and Eve, and it's been happening ever since. Sometimes it feels like everyone and everything is against us. It may feel like the Enemy is everywhere, constantly harassing us, even reading our thoughts and making bad things to happen. However, this is not true at all. Once he's pitched us one of his cunning lies, he can kick back while we do the destructive work ourselves by walking around believing him.
If such ridiculous lies about bears and butterflies can be destructive, put it in perspective and try to picture what widespread damage the following lies can do: "You are a pathetic loser, you will never be good enough, you are fat, you are ugly, no one likes you, you are stupid, God wants you to work harder to please Him, God doesn't care about you, that one thing you keep beating yourself up for is too bad for God or anyone to forgive, and you are just a terrible person". In my experience, lies like this are common. They tend to focus on who God is and who I am.
So how do we fight this "good fight"? Timothy blatantly tells us this good fight involves faith. Faith is the most powerful weapon we have been given by God. What better way to fight lies than with truth? Lies pour into every aspect of our life, affecting our emotions, physical health, and relationships. They fuel issues while attempting to raise a child, confront a person who has wronged us, or work through extremely disappointing circumstances. Trusting Him provides us with what we need to dispel lies, see things clearly, and act on things confidently. The Truth sets us free and allows us to enjoy the things God intends for us to enjoy, including such things as relationships, work, and, yes, butterflies.
Thursday, April 17, 2014
When We Just Want to Fix It
As a parent, I often find myself in situations in which I want so badly to fix something for my son. It is not pleasant to watch him struggle through things. Recently, he injured himself playing basketball and was sidelined from the sport he loves (track) for several weeks. It was painful knowing he was missing out on track meets he longed to participate in each week.
In that particular case, my son really did not have a choice. The injury was an accident. Sometimes our children, or others that we care about, make choices that really scare us. Sometimes the consequences of those choices are even scarier. What are we to do when we are in the middle of one of these scenarios?
Fix it. That's right. That is the first instinct for most of us, I believe. Sometimes there is no easy fix, but we worry and devise plans to make things as easy as possible for the other person...to "help" them through whatever it is that's going on. We often take on the responsibility to make things right, or whatever it is we think is right (sometimes we are clear on that, sometimes we are not). With the weight of responsibility comes feelings of guilt, and things just get worse from there. We begin blaming ourselves for whatever it is and sometimes get so fixated on it that we are paralyzed by it.
No matter how many times I travel that road of "fixing it", it always starts out looking good at first. However, the road is always treacherous and it never leads to where I wanted it to go. So what's a better choice? It's important to notice that "fixing", in and of itself, implies self-reliance and self-effort. It also implies that we know what the end result needs to be. No where in the process of trying to fix a problem for someone else is there room for trusting God to work things out according to His plan. There is an absence of faith in "fixing".
So, the alternative to "fixing" is to venture down that road of faith. It may not look like much at first, because we tend to feel like since we are not necessarily scrambling and doing a lot of visible work, that we are on the wrong path. However, although faith is less about "doing" and more about "believing", it is far from easy. Trusting any of God's promises can prove to be a very difficult thing for us at any given moment in time.
So what might this look like? Let's ponder, for a moment, how God deals with His children (us!). Despite the fact that God loves us perfectly as our Father, He surprisingly does not choose to fix everything for us. This does not sit well with us at times. However, one thing He always chooses to do is love us. He apparently knows that the most important thing during a crisis is for us is to be loved by Him. That love is more than enough. It is more important, even, than having our problems fixed for us. Trusting in this kind of love and offering it to others is crucial...and far more valuable than any fix we can muster up.
In that particular case, my son really did not have a choice. The injury was an accident. Sometimes our children, or others that we care about, make choices that really scare us. Sometimes the consequences of those choices are even scarier. What are we to do when we are in the middle of one of these scenarios?
Fix it. That's right. That is the first instinct for most of us, I believe. Sometimes there is no easy fix, but we worry and devise plans to make things as easy as possible for the other person...to "help" them through whatever it is that's going on. We often take on the responsibility to make things right, or whatever it is we think is right (sometimes we are clear on that, sometimes we are not). With the weight of responsibility comes feelings of guilt, and things just get worse from there. We begin blaming ourselves for whatever it is and sometimes get so fixated on it that we are paralyzed by it.
No matter how many times I travel that road of "fixing it", it always starts out looking good at first. However, the road is always treacherous and it never leads to where I wanted it to go. So what's a better choice? It's important to notice that "fixing", in and of itself, implies self-reliance and self-effort. It also implies that we know what the end result needs to be. No where in the process of trying to fix a problem for someone else is there room for trusting God to work things out according to His plan. There is an absence of faith in "fixing".
So, the alternative to "fixing" is to venture down that road of faith. It may not look like much at first, because we tend to feel like since we are not necessarily scrambling and doing a lot of visible work, that we are on the wrong path. However, although faith is less about "doing" and more about "believing", it is far from easy. Trusting any of God's promises can prove to be a very difficult thing for us at any given moment in time.
So what might this look like? Let's ponder, for a moment, how God deals with His children (us!). Despite the fact that God loves us perfectly as our Father, He surprisingly does not choose to fix everything for us. This does not sit well with us at times. However, one thing He always chooses to do is love us. He apparently knows that the most important thing during a crisis is for us is to be loved by Him. That love is more than enough. It is more important, even, than having our problems fixed for us. Trusting in this kind of love and offering it to others is crucial...and far more valuable than any fix we can muster up.
Tuesday, April 08, 2014
The Courage to Be Genuine
Not too long ago, my wife and I sat outside having one of our deep discussions. Somehow the topic moved to "Who in our lives do we really respect?". It was an interesting thing for me to ponder. Having been let down more than once by others I had mistakenly put on a pedestal, I am cautious with whom I toss the word "respect" around.
I think we typically look to people we deem "successful"; having something we'd like to have ourselves. Our definition of "successful" may revolve around the accumulation of wealth, power, knowledge, prestige, or fame. I have noticed that we, in general, will even look up to people who simply have the appearance of success, regardless if there actually is any real-life evidence to support the existence of it (such as a person who is a good speaker, dresses stylishly, or has several followers on Twitter or Vine).
Upon meditating about these things, I found myself gravitating towards thoughts of people in my life who are authentic; people who are not posing as something they are not. I guess seven years of ministering to people as a counselor has opened my eyes to the value of a real relationship, where both parties are not interested in trying to put up a front. Painful life situations are not fun, but they certainly provide ample opportunity to take up the courage to risk finding and being yourself, no matter what anyone thinks.
Ironically, people who are on the road towards authenticity often do not even respect themselves at times. They struggle through difficult times and think they are somehow a failure because they do not have it all together. Taking off the masks and being real is far from easy.
I think we typically look to people we deem "successful"; having something we'd like to have ourselves. Our definition of "successful" may revolve around the accumulation of wealth, power, knowledge, prestige, or fame. I have noticed that we, in general, will even look up to people who simply have the appearance of success, regardless if there actually is any real-life evidence to support the existence of it (such as a person who is a good speaker, dresses stylishly, or has several followers on Twitter or Vine).
Upon meditating about these things, I found myself gravitating towards thoughts of people in my life who are authentic; people who are not posing as something they are not. I guess seven years of ministering to people as a counselor has opened my eyes to the value of a real relationship, where both parties are not interested in trying to put up a front. Painful life situations are not fun, but they certainly provide ample opportunity to take up the courage to risk finding and being yourself, no matter what anyone thinks.
Ironically, people who are on the road towards authenticity often do not even respect themselves at times. They struggle through difficult times and think they are somehow a failure because they do not have it all together. Taking off the masks and being real is far from easy.
Well, my message to you, if you are one of those people, is that I hold a deep respect for you. I recognize the courage it takes to be real and push forward in the midst of hardship. I honor the commitment to holding on to the authenticity you have discovered and refusing to revert back to the old ways of doing things. I applaud you for asking God the hard questions, not afraid to admit you are upset or even angry with Him at times. I admire the new heart God has given you and how you are taking steps of faith to put that good heart to use, in spite of that pesky "old self" popping up every now and again. But much more important than what my thoughts and opinions are about you, God honors and loves the fact that you are being who He created you to be.
While being genuine is not the only characteristic worthy of respect, it is the foundation from which many other respectable qualities spring forth. It fuels true relationship. Before any of us even had a relationship with God, we had to get real with Him about who we were and why we needed a Savior. For those of us still struggling with this journey, or perhaps contemplating taking off the masks for the first time, I can think of no greater expression of faith than to risk letting down our guards and simply being who God created us to be.
While being genuine is not the only characteristic worthy of respect, it is the foundation from which many other respectable qualities spring forth. It fuels true relationship. Before any of us even had a relationship with God, we had to get real with Him about who we were and why we needed a Savior. For those of us still struggling with this journey, or perhaps contemplating taking off the masks for the first time, I can think of no greater expression of faith than to risk letting down our guards and simply being who God created us to be.
Tuesday, April 01, 2014
Ten Steps on How to Be a Better Christian
April Fools!
Just a little joke for April Fools' Day. Those of you that know me know that I would never push a self-help approach to the Christian walk. Paul knew the foolishness of such an approach and discussed it with the Galatian believers...
O foolish Galatians! Who has bewitched you? It was before your eyes that Jesus Christ was publicly portrayed as crucified. 2 Let me ask you only this: Did you receive the Spirit by works of the law or by hearing with faith? 3 Are you so foolish? Having begun by the Spirit, are you now being perfected by the flesh? 4 Did you suffer so many things in vain—if indeed it was in vain? 5 Does he who supplies the Spirit to you and works miracles among you do so by works of the law, or by hearing with faith—6 just as Abraham “believed God, and it was counted to him as righteousness”? 7 Know then that it is those of faith who are the sons of Abraham.
Galatians 3:1-7 (ESV)
We are to walk by faith, not by striving to achieve better behavior. Working hard to be a better person did not get us into a relationship with God. God did that through us trusting in Christ, and that does not change once we become believers. We need Christ every step of the way like we need food and water to live. It continues to be through Faith that we can be the men and women He has created us to be. Without His Grace through Faith, I can no more take one step in the right direction as a follower of Christ than I could take one step towards God without Christ before He saved me.
Just a little joke for April Fools' Day. Those of you that know me know that I would never push a self-help approach to the Christian walk. Paul knew the foolishness of such an approach and discussed it with the Galatian believers...
O foolish Galatians! Who has bewitched you? It was before your eyes that Jesus Christ was publicly portrayed as crucified. 2 Let me ask you only this: Did you receive the Spirit by works of the law or by hearing with faith? 3 Are you so foolish? Having begun by the Spirit, are you now being perfected by the flesh? 4 Did you suffer so many things in vain—if indeed it was in vain? 5 Does he who supplies the Spirit to you and works miracles among you do so by works of the law, or by hearing with faith—6 just as Abraham “believed God, and it was counted to him as righteousness”? 7 Know then that it is those of faith who are the sons of Abraham.
Galatians 3:1-7 (ESV)
We are to walk by faith, not by striving to achieve better behavior. Working hard to be a better person did not get us into a relationship with God. God did that through us trusting in Christ, and that does not change once we become believers. We need Christ every step of the way like we need food and water to live. It continues to be through Faith that we can be the men and women He has created us to be. Without His Grace through Faith, I can no more take one step in the right direction as a follower of Christ than I could take one step towards God without Christ before He saved me.
Wednesday, March 26, 2014
The Fig Leaf of Manners
Being raised in the South, manners were instilled in me from the beginning. I learned to say "Yes Ma'am", "No Sir", "Please", and "Thank You". I was taught to hold the door for ladies, to let them go first, and to walk on the side closest to the road when walking with a lady. I was encouraged to smile when meeting others. I even find myself putting down the toilet seat at work (my coworkers are mostly ladies).
Manners can be a good way to show others respect. Manners can communicate an attitude of friendliness, sending the message that someone else is welcome and/or appreciated. Being nice and respectful is a great thing, unless it comes from an insincere heart.
In a couple of previous posts, I have discussed how we all struggle with shame at points in our lives. Due to these shameful feelings, we have a drive to hide from others. We often find ways to hide (fig leaves, as I am calling them here) that are hard to pick up on. If we are going to hide, we might as well find a fig leaf that hides us well!
Like with anything that can be used for good purposes, manners, or "being nice" can also be used in a not-so-good way. We can hide behind a nice demeanor, a smile, and kind words. I know I have caught myself many times being nice to someone when everything in me is screaming something other than pleasant words. John Lynch, of www.truefaced.com, often says we like to tell others we're "doing just fine!" when we are far from it.
The major problem with misplaced manners is that we fail to acknowledge to not only others, but to ourselves, that something is wrong. Using "niceness" in this way prevents us from addressing real issues that need to be dealt with. I caught myself many times as a counselor, pushing things aside in order to be pleasant with others. While some of that was necessary in order to put them first in counseling sessions, when I left work and went home without addressing the things I had put aside, I was a ticking time bomb.
So, today, I encourage each of my readers to examine your heart when it comes to the attitude you are portraying to others. Does it come from an authentic heart, or from a desire to hide what's really going on inside of you? I encourage us all to take a step of faith, trusting that God will provide the strength we need when we choose to be real rather than fake our way through something. We all need healing, and healing comes when we acknowledge to our loving, Heavenly Father that we need treatment.
Manners can be a good way to show others respect. Manners can communicate an attitude of friendliness, sending the message that someone else is welcome and/or appreciated. Being nice and respectful is a great thing, unless it comes from an insincere heart.
In a couple of previous posts, I have discussed how we all struggle with shame at points in our lives. Due to these shameful feelings, we have a drive to hide from others. We often find ways to hide (fig leaves, as I am calling them here) that are hard to pick up on. If we are going to hide, we might as well find a fig leaf that hides us well!
Like with anything that can be used for good purposes, manners, or "being nice" can also be used in a not-so-good way. We can hide behind a nice demeanor, a smile, and kind words. I know I have caught myself many times being nice to someone when everything in me is screaming something other than pleasant words. John Lynch, of www.truefaced.com, often says we like to tell others we're "doing just fine!" when we are far from it.
The major problem with misplaced manners is that we fail to acknowledge to not only others, but to ourselves, that something is wrong. Using "niceness" in this way prevents us from addressing real issues that need to be dealt with. I caught myself many times as a counselor, pushing things aside in order to be pleasant with others. While some of that was necessary in order to put them first in counseling sessions, when I left work and went home without addressing the things I had put aside, I was a ticking time bomb.
So, today, I encourage each of my readers to examine your heart when it comes to the attitude you are portraying to others. Does it come from an authentic heart, or from a desire to hide what's really going on inside of you? I encourage us all to take a step of faith, trusting that God will provide the strength we need when we choose to be real rather than fake our way through something. We all need healing, and healing comes when we acknowledge to our loving, Heavenly Father that we need treatment.
Friday, March 21, 2014
Sarcastic Jesus
Have you ever known a message to be taken the wrong way? As most of us have realized at this point, media such as text and email lack the ability to properly convey tone and/or emotion. We say one thing, but our recipient reads something else altogether. If I send someone a question and the response is "nope", depending on my state of mind, some questions may enter my mind. Why are they being short with me? Are they ticked off? What could I have done? Of course, the recipient may be upset with me about something, but there are other possibilities as well. Perhaps, for instance, he is very busy at work and only had time to type out a quick response.
I have found that we tend to do this with Scripture. Often, we make an assumption about the tone we think Paul, Moses, or even Jesus is using when we read verses from the Bible. One of the tones that we commonly assume Jesus is speaking with is sarcasm. I believe this comes from many of us being sarcastic ourselves, so we assume Jesus to be the same way! Sarcasm is condescending. It is also a good indicator of anger, so when we apply this tone to Jesus' words, we view Jesus as constantly speaking angrily with a condescending voice to us. Jesus did not always speak gently, but He did not constantly speak out of anger or disgust either.
It is easy for us to assume God is constantly angry with us due to our imperfections. However, Scripture is clear that, through Christ, God fully accepts and forgives us. He is slow to anger and does not ever withhold one bit of His love from us. God is not anxiously waiting for opportunities to strike His children down with a lightning bolt...or with a witty, condescending comment. What would happen if we began taking just a moment to consider He may be speaking with a very different tone than what we first assumed when reading about Him?
I have found that we tend to do this with Scripture. Often, we make an assumption about the tone we think Paul, Moses, or even Jesus is using when we read verses from the Bible. One of the tones that we commonly assume Jesus is speaking with is sarcasm. I believe this comes from many of us being sarcastic ourselves, so we assume Jesus to be the same way! Sarcasm is condescending. It is also a good indicator of anger, so when we apply this tone to Jesus' words, we view Jesus as constantly speaking angrily with a condescending voice to us. Jesus did not always speak gently, but He did not constantly speak out of anger or disgust either.
It is easy for us to assume God is constantly angry with us due to our imperfections. However, Scripture is clear that, through Christ, God fully accepts and forgives us. He is slow to anger and does not ever withhold one bit of His love from us. God is not anxiously waiting for opportunities to strike His children down with a lightning bolt...or with a witty, condescending comment. What would happen if we began taking just a moment to consider He may be speaking with a very different tone than what we first assumed when reading about Him?
Wednesday, March 19, 2014
What If
Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life...O you of little faith? Therefore do not be anxious, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.
"Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.
(Matthew 6:25a,30b-34, ESV)
Worry is a common threat to our everyday wellbeing. Short term, it robs us of enjoying anything in the present. Long term, it can literally eat a hole in your stomach or even cause a heart attack or stroke. Not many days go by that we do not worry about something. Jesus knew this was an issue for us, so he addressed it.
In Matthew's record of Jesus' thoughts on worry, Jesus mentions specific things we worry about. He mentions things like food, water, and clothing. He doesn't mention things we would simply like to have. He focuses on physical needs, and Jesus acknowledges that God knows we need those things. He knows we need other things as well, such as acceptance, love, and security. I can assume, anytime I worry, I have called into question God's intention to meet a need that I have. I may have to dig a little bit into my thoughts to figure out which one (2 Corinthians 10:5).
Our lack of trusting Him to provide for our needs leads to us trying to figure out how to meet them ourselves, which is why Jesus lovingly points to the faith issue in Matthew 6:30. Worrying never gets us what we need. I have heard someone say it's like a rocking chair: no matter how hard you work, it gets you no where. Even if we could answer all the "what if's" (which is primarily what worry is all about), it still costs way more than it's worth. God wants us to know the real issue behind it all. He wants us to know it all comes back to our relationship with Him.
Beyond knowing that God says He will meet our needs, we must experience the kind of love He has for us to trust that He will keep His word. When you believe wholeheartedly that someone loves you unconditionally, you trust their motives. You also trust that what they say, they have every intention of following through on. And when it comes to God, He has everything at His disposal to make sure His children have exactly what we need when we need it.
Worry is a common threat to our everyday wellbeing. Short term, it robs us of enjoying anything in the present. Long term, it can literally eat a hole in your stomach or even cause a heart attack or stroke. Not many days go by that we do not worry about something. Jesus knew this was an issue for us, so he addressed it.
In Matthew's record of Jesus' thoughts on worry, Jesus mentions specific things we worry about. He mentions things like food, water, and clothing. He doesn't mention things we would simply like to have. He focuses on physical needs, and Jesus acknowledges that God knows we need those things. He knows we need other things as well, such as acceptance, love, and security. I can assume, anytime I worry, I have called into question God's intention to meet a need that I have. I may have to dig a little bit into my thoughts to figure out which one (2 Corinthians 10:5).
Our lack of trusting Him to provide for our needs leads to us trying to figure out how to meet them ourselves, which is why Jesus lovingly points to the faith issue in Matthew 6:30. Worrying never gets us what we need. I have heard someone say it's like a rocking chair: no matter how hard you work, it gets you no where. Even if we could answer all the "what if's" (which is primarily what worry is all about), it still costs way more than it's worth. God wants us to know the real issue behind it all. He wants us to know it all comes back to our relationship with Him.
Beyond knowing that God says He will meet our needs, we must experience the kind of love He has for us to trust that He will keep His word. When you believe wholeheartedly that someone loves you unconditionally, you trust their motives. You also trust that what they say, they have every intention of following through on. And when it comes to God, He has everything at His disposal to make sure His children have exactly what we need when we need it.
Tuesday, March 18, 2014
The Fig Leaf of Words
Then the eyes of both were opened, and they knew that they were naked. And they sewed fig leaves together and made themselves loincloths.
And they heard the sound of the Lord God walking in the garden in the cool of the day, and the man and his wife hid themselves from the presence of the Lord God among the trees of the garden. (Genesis 3:7-8, ESV)
Like Adam and Eve in the garden, we have all felt the urge to find some fig leaves to hide behind. When shame hits us, it is our first instinct. It can happen when we've done wrong, when someone's hurt us, when we've been embarrassed, or when we see a weakness in ourselves. Eventually, it becomes second-nature...something we do without even realizing the source. We just, by habit, put on a mask to hide behind and go about our everyday lives hoping no one sees through it.
To walk by faith and not allow shame to control us, it's good to do these three things: 1) identify our personal "fig leaves" (our masks or how we hide), 2) identify the reason why we hide behind those fig leaves, and 3) identify the truth that sets us free from them.
I sometimes use words as a fig leaf. Although any empty words will do, bigger words are better because they are easier to hide behind. When I can masterfully create a barrier with words, others do not see the real me. This fig leaf leads to getting bogged down in conversations that sound very intellectual but do not actually go very deep. Basically, true relationship with others loses out to things like "theological mumbo jumbo". When this fig leaf is used, things said are not necessarily bad or untrue, but the chosen words just do not reveal the whole picture.
One reason I find myself hiding behind words is to prevent others from seeing painful emotions (guilt, shame, anger, etc.). The empty talk allows me to avoid revealing what's really going on inside. The phrase, "fake it till you make it", comes to mind. Unfortunately, "faking it" never turns into being real, dealing with inner struggles, and healing.
Another reason we hide is that there are things we do not like about ourselves. In my case, deep down I often see myself as "not good enough". Although I know the truth in my head, I sometimes struggle with actually believing that God loves me and accepts me, no questions asked. I put the pressure on myself to earn what He gives freely through Christ. When I believe God is waiting for me to prove myself, I quickly grab the closest fig leaf to hide behind. He lovingly calls out to me often, encouraging me to trust Him and who He created me to be in Christ. By faith (taking Him at His word), I am able to step out from behind whatever bush I am hiding behind.
This was an important blog post for me, for two reasons. First, I think, as Christians, we often believe it's best for others to only see how "well-put-together Jesus makes us". However, that rarely points people to Christ. A person struggling and trusting Jesus is much more convincing of the Gospel than a know-it-all who "has it all together", even when preaching the truth. The Gospel message relieves us of the pressure to have it all together, and points us to a savior to rely on every step of the way. He is the remedy for fig leaves.
Second, it is safe to say that some of you reading this have been exposed to my "fig leaf of words" at some point. I apologize to you. I pray that God will allow me to continue to experience His love in new ways so that what you see when you interact with me is more of Him and less of a fig leaf. Receiving His love is what is required for me to be the authentic man He created me to be, one who is free and does not mind getting out from behind the words.
2 Corinthians 2:1-5
Ephesians 3:14-19
And they heard the sound of the Lord God walking in the garden in the cool of the day, and the man and his wife hid themselves from the presence of the Lord God among the trees of the garden. (Genesis 3:7-8, ESV)
Like Adam and Eve in the garden, we have all felt the urge to find some fig leaves to hide behind. When shame hits us, it is our first instinct. It can happen when we've done wrong, when someone's hurt us, when we've been embarrassed, or when we see a weakness in ourselves. Eventually, it becomes second-nature...something we do without even realizing the source. We just, by habit, put on a mask to hide behind and go about our everyday lives hoping no one sees through it.
To walk by faith and not allow shame to control us, it's good to do these three things: 1) identify our personal "fig leaves" (our masks or how we hide), 2) identify the reason why we hide behind those fig leaves, and 3) identify the truth that sets us free from them.
I sometimes use words as a fig leaf. Although any empty words will do, bigger words are better because they are easier to hide behind. When I can masterfully create a barrier with words, others do not see the real me. This fig leaf leads to getting bogged down in conversations that sound very intellectual but do not actually go very deep. Basically, true relationship with others loses out to things like "theological mumbo jumbo". When this fig leaf is used, things said are not necessarily bad or untrue, but the chosen words just do not reveal the whole picture.
One reason I find myself hiding behind words is to prevent others from seeing painful emotions (guilt, shame, anger, etc.). The empty talk allows me to avoid revealing what's really going on inside. The phrase, "fake it till you make it", comes to mind. Unfortunately, "faking it" never turns into being real, dealing with inner struggles, and healing.
Another reason we hide is that there are things we do not like about ourselves. In my case, deep down I often see myself as "not good enough". Although I know the truth in my head, I sometimes struggle with actually believing that God loves me and accepts me, no questions asked. I put the pressure on myself to earn what He gives freely through Christ. When I believe God is waiting for me to prove myself, I quickly grab the closest fig leaf to hide behind. He lovingly calls out to me often, encouraging me to trust Him and who He created me to be in Christ. By faith (taking Him at His word), I am able to step out from behind whatever bush I am hiding behind.
This was an important blog post for me, for two reasons. First, I think, as Christians, we often believe it's best for others to only see how "well-put-together Jesus makes us". However, that rarely points people to Christ. A person struggling and trusting Jesus is much more convincing of the Gospel than a know-it-all who "has it all together", even when preaching the truth. The Gospel message relieves us of the pressure to have it all together, and points us to a savior to rely on every step of the way. He is the remedy for fig leaves.
Second, it is safe to say that some of you reading this have been exposed to my "fig leaf of words" at some point. I apologize to you. I pray that God will allow me to continue to experience His love in new ways so that what you see when you interact with me is more of Him and less of a fig leaf. Receiving His love is what is required for me to be the authentic man He created me to be, one who is free and does not mind getting out from behind the words.
2 Corinthians 2:1-5
Ephesians 3:14-19
Monday, March 10, 2014
Hide and Seek: The Shame Game
We all have experienced things we do not want others to know about us. It may be a past choice or event in our life. It may be a current real or perceived shortcoming. Shame is a real issue, and it leads to a desire to hide. We continually seek ways to conceal our source of shame from not only others, but ourselves as well. It's a perpetual "bob and weave". It's amazing the things we can come up with to do this.
Adam and Eve put on fig leaves after eating of the forbidden fruit in the Garden of Eden. Moses begged God to have someone else do the public speaking for him because he felt he was not adequate. Abraham told other men his beautiful wife was his sister, out of fear that he could not handle the situation if those men knew he was her husband and they decided to try to take her from him. King Saul had severely low self esteem, which led to many bad decisions based on trying to hide his weaknesses from others. King David did everything he could to hide the fact that he had gotten a married woman pregnant, including murdering her husband.
Shame is a consequence of sin. It can bring to light the fact that we have fallen short in some way. It brings out the need we have for restoration. When we hear the Gospel message that we have someone to rely on for that healing and renewing, we find hope and freedom. There is a remedy for shame in our Savior, Jesus. In Him, we are adopted as God's children and become new creatures that we couldn't become on our own.
In you, O Lord, do I take refuge; let me never be put to shame; in your righteousness deliver me! (Psalm 31:1, ESV)
For His followers, we have access to that saving Grace every second of every day through faith. However, we often lose sight of who we are in Him; chosen, loved, forgiven, and saints. When we fail to rest in those truths, the feelings of shame return. It drains us. It holds us back. It leads to bad decisions. Ironically, although it's good for pointing out our own sin, it can even confuse us into believing we are guilty for other people's actions. To catch myself in this downward spiral, I must be willing to be honest about how I hide because it is the biggest evidence of shame. If I ignore it, the feelings of shame are only stored up, to fester and grow, until they burst out again and slam me face first into the ground.
I plan to spend some time over the next few weeks on this topic and blogging about some ways in which I have discovered myself hiding. As always, it's vitally important for us to take a real look at how we can take steps of faith each and every day. Since shame is so often used as a vicious weapon by the Enemy against us, it's important to examine what it looks like for us to win battles against it.
Adam and Eve put on fig leaves after eating of the forbidden fruit in the Garden of Eden. Moses begged God to have someone else do the public speaking for him because he felt he was not adequate. Abraham told other men his beautiful wife was his sister, out of fear that he could not handle the situation if those men knew he was her husband and they decided to try to take her from him. King Saul had severely low self esteem, which led to many bad decisions based on trying to hide his weaknesses from others. King David did everything he could to hide the fact that he had gotten a married woman pregnant, including murdering her husband.
Shame is a consequence of sin. It can bring to light the fact that we have fallen short in some way. It brings out the need we have for restoration. When we hear the Gospel message that we have someone to rely on for that healing and renewing, we find hope and freedom. There is a remedy for shame in our Savior, Jesus. In Him, we are adopted as God's children and become new creatures that we couldn't become on our own.
In you, O Lord, do I take refuge; let me never be put to shame; in your righteousness deliver me! (Psalm 31:1, ESV)
For His followers, we have access to that saving Grace every second of every day through faith. However, we often lose sight of who we are in Him; chosen, loved, forgiven, and saints. When we fail to rest in those truths, the feelings of shame return. It drains us. It holds us back. It leads to bad decisions. Ironically, although it's good for pointing out our own sin, it can even confuse us into believing we are guilty for other people's actions. To catch myself in this downward spiral, I must be willing to be honest about how I hide because it is the biggest evidence of shame. If I ignore it, the feelings of shame are only stored up, to fester and grow, until they burst out again and slam me face first into the ground.
I plan to spend some time over the next few weeks on this topic and blogging about some ways in which I have discovered myself hiding. As always, it's vitally important for us to take a real look at how we can take steps of faith each and every day. Since shame is so often used as a vicious weapon by the Enemy against us, it's important to examine what it looks like for us to win battles against it.
Thursday, February 27, 2014
The Easy Way Out
Years ago, I began facing what has proven to be the longest-lasting, most difficult struggle I have experienced. It began suddenly, so I was not prepared. There were no answers. The pervasive "why?" question that inevitably pops up in difficult circumstances had no response. Well, not one that really satisfied my longing for a full, detailed explanation, anyway.
I prayed for God to intervene. I searched for and tried out potential remedies along the way. When experiencing difficult circumstances, "remedies" can come in many different forms, depending on the person and what the struggle is. Whether it comes in the form of a self-help book, a hobby, a relationship, medicine, or something else entirely, when we are desperate, we tend to grab for whatever seems to work.
For me, occasionally, I would find something that would work. By "work", I mean it would make me feel better. But soon I would be right back, faced with the issue once again. It was like a tease, only to be let down over and over again. These "fixes" are so appealing, they are blinding. Nothing else matters but getting that "fix".
When we are hurting, scared, or simply longing for something, we simply want it fixed as quickly as possible. We want to avoid suffering for any period of time. When we can't find an earthly solution, many times we apply the "squeaky wheel" theology. We figure God will eventually fix it for us if we hound him enough in prayer (the "squeaky wheel gets the oil"). But what about those times that we don't get the answer we are looking for?
When God did not fix my problem, I was not at all happy about it. Not having it fixed meant more difficult times. Although there have been times that I have actually accepted my "thorn in the flesh", that was not commonplace at first. There have been numerous instances of me expressing outright anger over what seemed to be His refusal to help me. There have been other times that I have rejected it and pleaded with God for it to be fixed.
Along the way, the Enemy has shown up, more times than not, in the "remedies" I have run across, deceptively promising to give me something God would not or even claiming to be Him giving me what I wanted. In my experience, quick fixes are full of false promises of reward, whether it be for legitimate needs (such as love, acceptance, security, and significance) or things like fame, popularity, financial gain, power, or even physical healing. They play on our emotions, and, although they do not often come as little wooden statues, they are very much idols we look to instead of the Lord.
God did not desire to fix my problem for me. That would have been the easy way out, but it would also be shallow and temporary. Instead of playing the role of Santa Claus and giving me what I wanted, God knew a battle was necessary to give me what I needed. No matter what it took, He wanted me free to be exactly who He created me to be. He knew I would never look to Him if I found the deceptive satisfaction in something else, so He allowed "the thorn" to do its job. It has acted much like a warning light on the dash of a car, indicating something is wrong when I am looking to something other than Him, the true source of everything I need.
Having experienced what it is like for God not to "fix it for me", I have tasted a level of confidence that can only come through hardship. He has lovingly let me suffer in order to meet this need. I have more of an understanding of the confidence He has in His relationship with me. He knows I am His and He will not let me go. He has had confidence, the whole time, that I would persevere.
Instead of being spoiled by getting exactly what I wanted, the struggle has required that I trust Him even more to provide what I am truly seeking. You could say that it has helped to keep me out of trouble that arises from not walking closely with Him. Ironically, the thing I thought would certainly destroy me, has actually been a protective mechanism in my life.
Instead of arrogance taking over, I am humbled by the constant reminder that I can do nothing worthwhile on my own. God knew my family and the friends He would send my way needed a humble man, not an arrogant one. And not only that, but He has given me a connection with the other hurting people I am fortunate enough to get to know. If He had done what I begged for at times, I would have little to no understanding of what others are going through.
There have been, and will be times, that I lose sight of the truth regarding why God chose not to take away this "thorn". During those times, something will falsely appear more satisfying than He is. I pray I will not fall for it, but if I do, I pray I quickly recall the truth and run to Him. While I am seeing these things clearly, I say without hesitation, "Thank you, Lord, for not fixing me".
I prayed for God to intervene. I searched for and tried out potential remedies along the way. When experiencing difficult circumstances, "remedies" can come in many different forms, depending on the person and what the struggle is. Whether it comes in the form of a self-help book, a hobby, a relationship, medicine, or something else entirely, when we are desperate, we tend to grab for whatever seems to work.
For me, occasionally, I would find something that would work. By "work", I mean it would make me feel better. But soon I would be right back, faced with the issue once again. It was like a tease, only to be let down over and over again. These "fixes" are so appealing, they are blinding. Nothing else matters but getting that "fix".
When we are hurting, scared, or simply longing for something, we simply want it fixed as quickly as possible. We want to avoid suffering for any period of time. When we can't find an earthly solution, many times we apply the "squeaky wheel" theology. We figure God will eventually fix it for us if we hound him enough in prayer (the "squeaky wheel gets the oil"). But what about those times that we don't get the answer we are looking for?
When God did not fix my problem, I was not at all happy about it. Not having it fixed meant more difficult times. Although there have been times that I have actually accepted my "thorn in the flesh", that was not commonplace at first. There have been numerous instances of me expressing outright anger over what seemed to be His refusal to help me. There have been other times that I have rejected it and pleaded with God for it to be fixed.
Along the way, the Enemy has shown up, more times than not, in the "remedies" I have run across, deceptively promising to give me something God would not or even claiming to be Him giving me what I wanted. In my experience, quick fixes are full of false promises of reward, whether it be for legitimate needs (such as love, acceptance, security, and significance) or things like fame, popularity, financial gain, power, or even physical healing. They play on our emotions, and, although they do not often come as little wooden statues, they are very much idols we look to instead of the Lord.
God did not desire to fix my problem for me. That would have been the easy way out, but it would also be shallow and temporary. Instead of playing the role of Santa Claus and giving me what I wanted, God knew a battle was necessary to give me what I needed. No matter what it took, He wanted me free to be exactly who He created me to be. He knew I would never look to Him if I found the deceptive satisfaction in something else, so He allowed "the thorn" to do its job. It has acted much like a warning light on the dash of a car, indicating something is wrong when I am looking to something other than Him, the true source of everything I need.
Having experienced what it is like for God not to "fix it for me", I have tasted a level of confidence that can only come through hardship. He has lovingly let me suffer in order to meet this need. I have more of an understanding of the confidence He has in His relationship with me. He knows I am His and He will not let me go. He has had confidence, the whole time, that I would persevere.
Instead of being spoiled by getting exactly what I wanted, the struggle has required that I trust Him even more to provide what I am truly seeking. You could say that it has helped to keep me out of trouble that arises from not walking closely with Him. Ironically, the thing I thought would certainly destroy me, has actually been a protective mechanism in my life.
Instead of arrogance taking over, I am humbled by the constant reminder that I can do nothing worthwhile on my own. God knew my family and the friends He would send my way needed a humble man, not an arrogant one. And not only that, but He has given me a connection with the other hurting people I am fortunate enough to get to know. If He had done what I begged for at times, I would have little to no understanding of what others are going through.
There have been, and will be times, that I lose sight of the truth regarding why God chose not to take away this "thorn". During those times, something will falsely appear more satisfying than He is. I pray I will not fall for it, but if I do, I pray I quickly recall the truth and run to Him. While I am seeing these things clearly, I say without hesitation, "Thank you, Lord, for not fixing me".
Monday, February 17, 2014
My Issue With Manipulation: Part 2
While it is wonderful to practice discernment in my life and to share that with others, when I find myself anxious, or even angry over it, I need to join God in examining my heart. God's gift of discernment helps us to recognize anything that goes against His truth. It helps us to pick up on attempts to deceive us. However, discernment comes with a sense of peace, not fear. And that's where I find myself often: fearful of what might happen if I do not put great effort into making sure I protect myself.
But what am I so afraid of? What's the worst that could happen if I let down my guard? Immediately thoughts rush through my mind when I ask those two simple questions. "Neil, you will look like a fool! You will get hurt! It will be your fault when something goes wrong!" And that's just a few of them. But it's enough to begin seeing what I fear. I fear looking stupid. I fear being hurt. I also fear feeling guilty if things do not go as planned. All of these are things I want to avoid.
However, when I allow these fears to control me, I find myself being manipulative, trying to control things. I sometimes excessively plan out conversations I might have with others, analyze everything done and said around me, try to dig up more information on what's going on around me so I am ready for anything, be silent as to avoid looking like I do not know something or accidentally "sharing too much", and blacklist certain people. These behaviors prevent me from enjoying relationships because I am consumed with controlling them...all to protect myself. And I do all of this hard work that eventually proves unhelpful. Any control I think I have is flimsy, at best.
Ironically, my fears exist because I have already been successfully manipulated. When I fear looking stupid, somewhere deep down, I have believed the lie that I AM actually stupid, and I constantly try to prove to myself and others that I am not. Perhaps, I might think, God created me incompetent or that I simply cannot live up to what He wants me to. When I fear being hurt, I recall all the times that I have been hurt. I have a difficulty seeing how God was in the midst of those hard times. Then, believing the lie that relationships are just not worth the risk of more pain, I proceed to shut myself off to any possibility of being hurt, which also prevents any possibility of experiencing the benefits of relationships as well. And, finally, when I fear feeling guilty, I recall shame from my past and that shame says terrible things about me that I am tempted to believe. These things are contrary to the truth that I am not guilty in Christ Jesus (Romans 8:1) and that I do not have to live in shame.
To be free from this, to really let go of my own manipulation, I must recognize the core manipulation in my life, by the Enemy, is to get me to believe lies about God and myself. Satan began in the garden trying to dismantle our view of our Heavenly Father. He is successful, quite often, in doing this through a variety of ways. Does God truly love and accept me? Am I significant to Him and secure in Him? My real issue is misunderstanding who God is and what Jesus Christ accomplished and then answering "no" to any part of those questions. Once I embrace the truth, I recognize and renounce lies as they come my way. Only then do I feel safe enough to drop the manipulation, enjoy relationships, AND practice the gift of discernment in the way He intended it to be used.
But what am I so afraid of? What's the worst that could happen if I let down my guard? Immediately thoughts rush through my mind when I ask those two simple questions. "Neil, you will look like a fool! You will get hurt! It will be your fault when something goes wrong!" And that's just a few of them. But it's enough to begin seeing what I fear. I fear looking stupid. I fear being hurt. I also fear feeling guilty if things do not go as planned. All of these are things I want to avoid.
However, when I allow these fears to control me, I find myself being manipulative, trying to control things. I sometimes excessively plan out conversations I might have with others, analyze everything done and said around me, try to dig up more information on what's going on around me so I am ready for anything, be silent as to avoid looking like I do not know something or accidentally "sharing too much", and blacklist certain people. These behaviors prevent me from enjoying relationships because I am consumed with controlling them...all to protect myself. And I do all of this hard work that eventually proves unhelpful. Any control I think I have is flimsy, at best.
Ironically, my fears exist because I have already been successfully manipulated. When I fear looking stupid, somewhere deep down, I have believed the lie that I AM actually stupid, and I constantly try to prove to myself and others that I am not. Perhaps, I might think, God created me incompetent or that I simply cannot live up to what He wants me to. When I fear being hurt, I recall all the times that I have been hurt. I have a difficulty seeing how God was in the midst of those hard times. Then, believing the lie that relationships are just not worth the risk of more pain, I proceed to shut myself off to any possibility of being hurt, which also prevents any possibility of experiencing the benefits of relationships as well. And, finally, when I fear feeling guilty, I recall shame from my past and that shame says terrible things about me that I am tempted to believe. These things are contrary to the truth that I am not guilty in Christ Jesus (Romans 8:1) and that I do not have to live in shame.
To be free from this, to really let go of my own manipulation, I must recognize the core manipulation in my life, by the Enemy, is to get me to believe lies about God and myself. Satan began in the garden trying to dismantle our view of our Heavenly Father. He is successful, quite often, in doing this through a variety of ways. Does God truly love and accept me? Am I significant to Him and secure in Him? My real issue is misunderstanding who God is and what Jesus Christ accomplished and then answering "no" to any part of those questions. Once I embrace the truth, I recognize and renounce lies as they come my way. Only then do I feel safe enough to drop the manipulation, enjoy relationships, AND practice the gift of discernment in the way He intended it to be used.
Wednesday, February 12, 2014
Actively Seeking Truth
We destroy arguments and every lofty opinion raised against the knowledge of God, and take every thought captive to obey Christ, being ready to punish every disobedience, when your obedience is complete. (2 Corinthians 10:5-6, ESV)
In my previous post, I mentioned a "Part 2". I plan to keep my word on that. However, in experiencing some things this past weekend and rereading that initial post, I realized a potential disconnect with those reading my blog. I want to address that here.
To understand the struggle with manipulation that I am sharing, it is important to understand something that is extremely important. I have many faults...many weaknesses...and I guarantee you that I could spend the rest of my life writing about and sharing on nothing else but those shortcomings. One shortcoming that God has worked diligently with me on since I was a teenager is honesty. My parents can attest to what I am about to share here: I was an expert liar during my teenage years.
Since then, truth has become vitally important to me. I spend a lot of my time trying to discern what's right or wrong, fake or real, and true or untrue. This can be a good thing or a bad thing, depending on my motivation. In the Scripture I have included above, Paul highlights the need for discernment, in EVERYTHING. Speeches we hear, books we read, music we sing and listen to, social interactions with others, exchanges in relationships...all of these can be passively accepted at face value. But this is dangerous.
When we turn off our minds and accept any and every thing that passes through our senses, we inevitably allow things that go against God's Truth to enter our lives. I am going to borrow a good example of this from someone I have mentioned before, Derek Webb. He is a singer and songwriter. He admits his music has been labeled as "Christian Music". The problem, he states, is that although he is a Christian, he is human. Sometimes, he knows he has written music and performed it with lyrics and/or actions that were contrary to God's Truth. Although I have met Mr. Webb and trust the heart God has given him, I must remember that there will be times in which he falls short and offers something that is simply "not good and holy", as he has said. The "Christian label" can be a false advertisement for something that suggests you are safe to shut down discernment and accept anything you hear as true. This is not just applicable to Mr. Webb and his music, of course, but with anything we consume.
Another example is myself. I have counseled people for around six years now. During that time, I have also had the wonderful opportunity to speak in several different Sunday School classrooms, preach to a few congregations, and even write on this blog. Although I know very well that I take all of those interactions seriously and deeply long to only present that which is true, I have messed up...more than a few times. Some of those interactions I would love to go back and scrap altogether now that God has shown me what I thought was true was not true at all. Sometimes He has shown me that my motivation was not love, which makes any truth just an aggravating noise to those around me.
A huge part of walking by Grace through Faith is aggressively comparing what we see, hear, and experience in other ways to what God says is true. When I fail to be actively developing a filter day by day with His truth, I make myself a target for deception. This comes, ultimately, from the Enemy, but he works through many people and things to accomplish his goal of manipulating us to buy into his lies. Often, those he works through do not even realize they have been a conduit for his attack. Anything that is manipulative is not truthful, so it does not come from God. He is as straight forward, honest, and true as one can be.
So, as I move forward with "Part 2" of my posts on manipulation, I want to keep things in perspective. Although I struggle with how I use it, discernment is vitally important. I believe it is something we have lost touch with as followers of Christ. Even when it is mentioned, it's often misinterpreted as some "feeling" you get. It's not. Discernment is based solely on truth. It's a conscious choice we make, whether we are listening to a sermon or watching TV. As Paul states in 2 Corinthians 10:5, take every thought that crosses your mind captive, compare it to what God says, and then move forward in Truth. The Holy Spirit makes this possible, but we must exercise it.
In my previous post, I mentioned a "Part 2". I plan to keep my word on that. However, in experiencing some things this past weekend and rereading that initial post, I realized a potential disconnect with those reading my blog. I want to address that here.
To understand the struggle with manipulation that I am sharing, it is important to understand something that is extremely important. I have many faults...many weaknesses...and I guarantee you that I could spend the rest of my life writing about and sharing on nothing else but those shortcomings. One shortcoming that God has worked diligently with me on since I was a teenager is honesty. My parents can attest to what I am about to share here: I was an expert liar during my teenage years.
Since then, truth has become vitally important to me. I spend a lot of my time trying to discern what's right or wrong, fake or real, and true or untrue. This can be a good thing or a bad thing, depending on my motivation. In the Scripture I have included above, Paul highlights the need for discernment, in EVERYTHING. Speeches we hear, books we read, music we sing and listen to, social interactions with others, exchanges in relationships...all of these can be passively accepted at face value. But this is dangerous.
When we turn off our minds and accept any and every thing that passes through our senses, we inevitably allow things that go against God's Truth to enter our lives. I am going to borrow a good example of this from someone I have mentioned before, Derek Webb. He is a singer and songwriter. He admits his music has been labeled as "Christian Music". The problem, he states, is that although he is a Christian, he is human. Sometimes, he knows he has written music and performed it with lyrics and/or actions that were contrary to God's Truth. Although I have met Mr. Webb and trust the heart God has given him, I must remember that there will be times in which he falls short and offers something that is simply "not good and holy", as he has said. The "Christian label" can be a false advertisement for something that suggests you are safe to shut down discernment and accept anything you hear as true. This is not just applicable to Mr. Webb and his music, of course, but with anything we consume.
Another example is myself. I have counseled people for around six years now. During that time, I have also had the wonderful opportunity to speak in several different Sunday School classrooms, preach to a few congregations, and even write on this blog. Although I know very well that I take all of those interactions seriously and deeply long to only present that which is true, I have messed up...more than a few times. Some of those interactions I would love to go back and scrap altogether now that God has shown me what I thought was true was not true at all. Sometimes He has shown me that my motivation was not love, which makes any truth just an aggravating noise to those around me.
A huge part of walking by Grace through Faith is aggressively comparing what we see, hear, and experience in other ways to what God says is true. When I fail to be actively developing a filter day by day with His truth, I make myself a target for deception. This comes, ultimately, from the Enemy, but he works through many people and things to accomplish his goal of manipulating us to buy into his lies. Often, those he works through do not even realize they have been a conduit for his attack. Anything that is manipulative is not truthful, so it does not come from God. He is as straight forward, honest, and true as one can be.
So, as I move forward with "Part 2" of my posts on manipulation, I want to keep things in perspective. Although I struggle with how I use it, discernment is vitally important. I believe it is something we have lost touch with as followers of Christ. Even when it is mentioned, it's often misinterpreted as some "feeling" you get. It's not. Discernment is based solely on truth. It's a conscious choice we make, whether we are listening to a sermon or watching TV. As Paul states in 2 Corinthians 10:5, take every thought that crosses your mind captive, compare it to what God says, and then move forward in Truth. The Holy Spirit makes this possible, but we must exercise it.
Friday, February 07, 2014
My Issue With Manipulation: Part 1
I am not geared towards enjoying people telling me what to do. I have a tendency to rebel against authority, unless I deeply trust the one in charge. Historically, this can be seen clearly in my relationship with God and people. Sometimes people do not have the authority to enforce their will, so they simply try to cloak their efforts to get others to do what they want them to do (and get what they want). With my mindset, I am often compelled to have my guard up. That being said, I have a keen sense for manipulation.
Recently, I have been praying about and contemplating this great struggle I have with people I perceive as being users and manipulators. Throughout my journey with Christ, searching for truth that will set me free from this, if I am not careful I forget that I, too, fall into this category at times. There are circumstances in which I fall for the temptation to manipulate people to think I'm smart, to try to control my environment for some sense of false security, and to convince others to listen to my advice (this last one is a killer in counseling sessions!). So...I struggle with the same sinful behavior I see in others and hate so deeply.
There is a need to surrender my efforts to control others and my surroundings. In my case, the primary example of how I tend to manipulate is by doing everything I can to disallow the possibility of BEING manipulated (or controlled). This, of course, sometimes flows over into me trying to prevent those around me from being manipulated as well. Discernment is a wonderful thing to exercise, but living in fear of being manipulated is a whole other ballgame. It only leads to anger, anxiety, and a sense of hopelessness. When I am attempting to manipulate, regardless of my perceived motive, I have lost sight of the fact that I can trust God to be intimately involved in those matters, so I jump in the driver's seat. And whether I'm the one manipulating, or if I am the one being manipulated, the end result is pain and suffering.
I obviously have more than just a healthy aversion to manipulation. However, manipulation is the primary tool of our Enemy (his lies are manipulative tools meant to destroy us), so we must not discount it as something to watch out for. It is dangerous, and we need to practice discernment in order to recognize it. God's truth undoubtedly sets us free, so manipulation, being engulfed in lies, can only lead to bondage when we fall for it. I know I hate to see someone I love being manipulated. If I hate it, how much more must God hate to see those He loves being misled, used, and, ultimately, lured away from the truth that sets them free.
Personally, pondering that truth of how God views manipulative forces on this earth helps me to let go a little. If He actually loves me and those I love more than I can fathom, then, as His child, I can fully trust Him to work things together for good. That doesn't mean that we won't ever ignore His voice of truth when He is warning us and, inevitably, believe some of the lies being sold to us on a constant basis. However, He is much better equipped for the job than I am to reach out in truth and love to rescue me and those I love.
The fight is not necessarily "me vs the manipulative forces", rather, the fight is to believe the truth so strongly that the manipulative forces lose their power. This goes back, of course, to my relationship with God through Christ, not how well I protect myself and those around me from manipulation. In fact, sometimes when I dish out truth, it is just noise to those around me. And I must not forget that, at times, I have my own struggle with manipulating others to get what I want. Perhaps I need to deal with this 2X4 in my own eye before trying to yank the splinter out of someone else's.
Recently, I have been praying about and contemplating this great struggle I have with people I perceive as being users and manipulators. Throughout my journey with Christ, searching for truth that will set me free from this, if I am not careful I forget that I, too, fall into this category at times. There are circumstances in which I fall for the temptation to manipulate people to think I'm smart, to try to control my environment for some sense of false security, and to convince others to listen to my advice (this last one is a killer in counseling sessions!). So...I struggle with the same sinful behavior I see in others and hate so deeply.
There is a need to surrender my efforts to control others and my surroundings. In my case, the primary example of how I tend to manipulate is by doing everything I can to disallow the possibility of BEING manipulated (or controlled). This, of course, sometimes flows over into me trying to prevent those around me from being manipulated as well. Discernment is a wonderful thing to exercise, but living in fear of being manipulated is a whole other ballgame. It only leads to anger, anxiety, and a sense of hopelessness. When I am attempting to manipulate, regardless of my perceived motive, I have lost sight of the fact that I can trust God to be intimately involved in those matters, so I jump in the driver's seat. And whether I'm the one manipulating, or if I am the one being manipulated, the end result is pain and suffering.
I obviously have more than just a healthy aversion to manipulation. However, manipulation is the primary tool of our Enemy (his lies are manipulative tools meant to destroy us), so we must not discount it as something to watch out for. It is dangerous, and we need to practice discernment in order to recognize it. God's truth undoubtedly sets us free, so manipulation, being engulfed in lies, can only lead to bondage when we fall for it. I know I hate to see someone I love being manipulated. If I hate it, how much more must God hate to see those He loves being misled, used, and, ultimately, lured away from the truth that sets them free.
Personally, pondering that truth of how God views manipulative forces on this earth helps me to let go a little. If He actually loves me and those I love more than I can fathom, then, as His child, I can fully trust Him to work things together for good. That doesn't mean that we won't ever ignore His voice of truth when He is warning us and, inevitably, believe some of the lies being sold to us on a constant basis. However, He is much better equipped for the job than I am to reach out in truth and love to rescue me and those I love.
The fight is not necessarily "me vs the manipulative forces", rather, the fight is to believe the truth so strongly that the manipulative forces lose their power. This goes back, of course, to my relationship with God through Christ, not how well I protect myself and those around me from manipulation. In fact, sometimes when I dish out truth, it is just noise to those around me. And I must not forget that, at times, I have my own struggle with manipulating others to get what I want. Perhaps I need to deal with this 2X4 in my own eye before trying to yank the splinter out of someone else's.
Wednesday, January 22, 2014
A Thin Line Between Love and Control
I am very proud of my son. He is very much like me in some ways, and in other ways, he is very different than me. Where I am what they call "introverted", he is very much "extroverted". He loves people...just being around them, seeking out and making new friends, and enjoying them. Socializing simply energizes him. Although I do love and enjoy people, being introverted, I need my time away from people to be recharged. Socializing DOES NOT energize me like it does him. It's just one of the differences between us that makes our relationship fun and interesting.
One thing we have in common is difficulty with authority. Being his father, this commonality can lead to conversations in which we understand each other and work towards solutions, but it can also lead to exactly the opposite when we do not see eye to eye. Of course, the latter situations are the most difficult to work through, but we do.
The most difficult thing for me is dealing with my fears as his father. I am fearful of what may happen to him in certain situations. I am fearful that he will be hurt, that he will fail at something, that he will miss opportunities, and if I am really honest, I fear that any of those things are a direct result of me being a failure.
Then comes the attempts to control, because that is what typically follows fear. I attempt to manipulate and control the situation so that what I fear does not occur. Unfortunately, when this switch is flipped...when control is turned on, loving actions are turned off. My focus has turned from what is best for my son to what is best for me to avoid what I fear. I admit, this is a thin line, because I fully believe there are times in which we must protect others (especially our children) from certain danger and harm. However, it is vastly important for me to allow my son to realize that he is competent to make his own decisions, that he can own and handle the consequences (good or bad), and that he can move forward. If I take that freedom away from him, I essentially rob him of his individuality and confidence. When I attempt to control what he does or doesn't do, I fight against him maturing into the man God has created Him to be.
I thank God for my son's aversion to my controlling authority at times. I say "at times" because sometimes I want to yell because it ticks me off. But when I get settled down, I realize how I needed to be reminded to give him some space to experience things on his own. God uses what I see as rebellion, outright defiance, or disrespect to remind me to trust Him with my son.
I tear up as I write this because it is so true, but it is so hard. Trusting God when it comes to my son is one of the most difficult things I have ever experienced. There have been times, especially when he was younger, that I jumped in and did not allow him to get hurt. One time he brought a poisonous snake up on the golf cart to show me...and it was STILL ALIVE. That was one of those times. But there are many other times that I want to do the same, when the consequences are not as potentially severe, and sometimes when they are.
Knowing when to jump in and when to say nothing is so hard I just cannot figure it out every time. I guess that's one reason why God just wants me to trust Him. The difference between loving and controlling actions has to do with what is motivating me at the time. Faith leads to love. Fear leads to control. Whether I jump in or not, if the motivation is trusting in His love for me AND my son, then the actions that follow will be fruit of that faith, which is what my son really needs from me.
There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love. (1 John 4:18, ESV)
One thing we have in common is difficulty with authority. Being his father, this commonality can lead to conversations in which we understand each other and work towards solutions, but it can also lead to exactly the opposite when we do not see eye to eye. Of course, the latter situations are the most difficult to work through, but we do.
The most difficult thing for me is dealing with my fears as his father. I am fearful of what may happen to him in certain situations. I am fearful that he will be hurt, that he will fail at something, that he will miss opportunities, and if I am really honest, I fear that any of those things are a direct result of me being a failure.
Then comes the attempts to control, because that is what typically follows fear. I attempt to manipulate and control the situation so that what I fear does not occur. Unfortunately, when this switch is flipped...when control is turned on, loving actions are turned off. My focus has turned from what is best for my son to what is best for me to avoid what I fear. I admit, this is a thin line, because I fully believe there are times in which we must protect others (especially our children) from certain danger and harm. However, it is vastly important for me to allow my son to realize that he is competent to make his own decisions, that he can own and handle the consequences (good or bad), and that he can move forward. If I take that freedom away from him, I essentially rob him of his individuality and confidence. When I attempt to control what he does or doesn't do, I fight against him maturing into the man God has created Him to be.
I thank God for my son's aversion to my controlling authority at times. I say "at times" because sometimes I want to yell because it ticks me off. But when I get settled down, I realize how I needed to be reminded to give him some space to experience things on his own. God uses what I see as rebellion, outright defiance, or disrespect to remind me to trust Him with my son.
I tear up as I write this because it is so true, but it is so hard. Trusting God when it comes to my son is one of the most difficult things I have ever experienced. There have been times, especially when he was younger, that I jumped in and did not allow him to get hurt. One time he brought a poisonous snake up on the golf cart to show me...and it was STILL ALIVE. That was one of those times. But there are many other times that I want to do the same, when the consequences are not as potentially severe, and sometimes when they are.
Knowing when to jump in and when to say nothing is so hard I just cannot figure it out every time. I guess that's one reason why God just wants me to trust Him. The difference between loving and controlling actions has to do with what is motivating me at the time. Faith leads to love. Fear leads to control. Whether I jump in or not, if the motivation is trusting in His love for me AND my son, then the actions that follow will be fruit of that faith, which is what my son really needs from me.
There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love. (1 John 4:18, ESV)
Wednesday, January 08, 2014
True Beauty
I have been seeing and hearing a lot about the beauty of a woman lately. After years and years of identifying beauty as the unrealistic images of models we see in media, it seems some of us are trying to challenge the lies about what makes a woman beautiful. This is a good thing.
However, in this fight, I think we must remember how pervasive these lies are. Both men and women have been duped. Even in attempting to challenge the definition of beauty, I think we have unintentionally, at times, reinforced the idea that true beauty can be illustrated through certain shapes, sizes, and colors. Truthfully, beauty cannot be limited in such ways.
One of the saddest things I have noticed is that some of us perceive that a woman somehow loses, or diminishes, her beauty after childbirth. In attempts to reject the images they know they don't resemble, I have witnessed some disregarding beauty altogether. When this happens, they are in bondage to the same lie a woman believes when she attempts to copy those same images.
Saturday Night Live once did a mock-commercial for "Mom Jeans". The slogan went something like this, "...you're not a woman anymore...you're a mom". Although meant to be funny, this is actually a profound look at one of the most devious lies a mother faces. The Enemy has done an exceptional job of creating a false image of beauty and calling every woman on earth to the unattainable goal of being carved into that very image. Ladies, either you chase after it with everything you've got, or you do like the SNL commercial says and accept that you cannot attain it. Either way, you have bought into the lie because the focus is on that false image of beauty.
In order to break free, we desperately need the truth about beauty. This world may give hints at times, but it will never satisfy our longing for true beauty. And if we are focused on external sources showing us what that is, we are doomed to be in bondage to whatever lies Satan wants to pitch us through those very sources.
If we are truly created in the image of God, in each of us is a reflection of everything that He is. One of those characteristics is beauty:
"Out of Zion, the perfection of beauty, God shines forth." (Psalm 50:2, ESV)
Therefore, in each woman there is an inherent beauty that flows from who God created her to be (who she truly is). If she doesn't see it, or even if those around her fail to see it, that does not mean it's not there. It only means that she, and possibly those around her, have been deceived. Perhaps she has learned to conceal that which she doesn't even know she possesses. Regardless, if we could somehow choose to believe the truth that there is something beautiful in every person, even if they don't, how might that change things? Instead of the images in a magazine or a commercial, we could choose to search inside of us and others for something that God has placed in each and every one of us. We don't have to see the beauty to believe it is there and go after it. Not only do we desperately need to be able to see ourselves the way God sees us...we have a need to see others the way He sees them as well.
However, in this fight, I think we must remember how pervasive these lies are. Both men and women have been duped. Even in attempting to challenge the definition of beauty, I think we have unintentionally, at times, reinforced the idea that true beauty can be illustrated through certain shapes, sizes, and colors. Truthfully, beauty cannot be limited in such ways.
One of the saddest things I have noticed is that some of us perceive that a woman somehow loses, or diminishes, her beauty after childbirth. In attempts to reject the images they know they don't resemble, I have witnessed some disregarding beauty altogether. When this happens, they are in bondage to the same lie a woman believes when she attempts to copy those same images.
Saturday Night Live once did a mock-commercial for "Mom Jeans". The slogan went something like this, "...you're not a woman anymore...you're a mom". Although meant to be funny, this is actually a profound look at one of the most devious lies a mother faces. The Enemy has done an exceptional job of creating a false image of beauty and calling every woman on earth to the unattainable goal of being carved into that very image. Ladies, either you chase after it with everything you've got, or you do like the SNL commercial says and accept that you cannot attain it. Either way, you have bought into the lie because the focus is on that false image of beauty.
In order to break free, we desperately need the truth about beauty. This world may give hints at times, but it will never satisfy our longing for true beauty. And if we are focused on external sources showing us what that is, we are doomed to be in bondage to whatever lies Satan wants to pitch us through those very sources.
If we are truly created in the image of God, in each of us is a reflection of everything that He is. One of those characteristics is beauty:
"Out of Zion, the perfection of beauty, God shines forth." (Psalm 50:2, ESV)
Therefore, in each woman there is an inherent beauty that flows from who God created her to be (who she truly is). If she doesn't see it, or even if those around her fail to see it, that does not mean it's not there. It only means that she, and possibly those around her, have been deceived. Perhaps she has learned to conceal that which she doesn't even know she possesses. Regardless, if we could somehow choose to believe the truth that there is something beautiful in every person, even if they don't, how might that change things? Instead of the images in a magazine or a commercial, we could choose to search inside of us and others for something that God has placed in each and every one of us. We don't have to see the beauty to believe it is there and go after it. Not only do we desperately need to be able to see ourselves the way God sees us...we have a need to see others the way He sees them as well.
Thursday, December 19, 2013
Live for the Applause
I was listening to this fairly new song by Lady Gaga recently. Yeah, yeah. Give me a hard time if you want to. This girl can sing though, that is for sure. And the lyrics to this song are real and interesting.
I live for the applause...
...(I) Live for the way that you cheer and scream for me
The applause, applause, applause
These lyrics are interesting to me because Lady Gaga is talking about something many of us do every day. In some way, shape, or form, many of us do things with the strict intent of getting the applause of others. That applause may not be a literal standing up and clapping of hands. It may be a "good job!", some sort of reward, or a simple smile of approval from a loved one.
To get the applause, in the form we want it, we perform. This performance Lady Gaga mentions is in front of an audience, singing and dancing. For those of us with a much smaller "fan-base", we perform in different ways. Some of us may work hard to stand out at work, stress ourselves out at home trying to keep it looking like something everyone will be pleased with, or put on a fake smile because people seem to like that. Others of us work out excessively, dress to impress, or purchase other items that stand out.
King Saul really struggled with this as well. Several times, he made decisions based on what people were doing or what they would think of him. In 1 Samuel 13, he offered a sacrifice against the will of God, partly because others were "scattering from him". In 1 Samuel 18, Saul was jealous of David because the people in the kingdom were in awe of his achievements rather than Saul's. There are several other examples as I read through his life of a detrimental focus on getting the applause, or acceptance, of others.
To gain a deeper understanding of Saul's real problem, we have to look at his past...before he was king. When Samuel, a prophet sent by God to anoint Saul as king, began a conversation with Saul about his being chosen to be king, Saul's response was, "Am I not a Benjaminite, from the least of the tribes of Israel? And is not my clan the humblest of all the clans of the tribe of Benjamin? Why then have you spoken to me in this way?” Saul's view of himself is seen clearly here. He sees his identity as being one of the lowest in all of Israel. Despite being a tall, handsome man, he sees himself as inadequate. Later, when he is to be announced as king in front of everyone, he hides himself, out of this same belief that he is not good enough.
I think we can apply this same cycle to ourselves when we catch ourselves consumed with wanting the applause of others. When we obsess over getting the approval of others, deep down, somehow, we, like King Saul, are being driven by a lowly identity that yearns for proof that we are better than we think we are. We view ourselves as not quite good enough, not smart enough, not "put-together" enough, not talented enough, not pretty or handsome enough, or lacking some other important characteristic or trait that disqualifies us. Regardless of what particular self-view haunts us, many of us turn to others' opinions as the antidote.
While King Saul never appeared to move past his negative self-view, we can learn from his experience. God saw something in Saul that he didn't see in himself. God called him to be king. However, Saul held fast to his fleshly identity, not accepting the new identity God was offering. King Saul turned to people, trying to feel better about himself by pleasing them and getting their approval. It never worked. And it won't work for us either. We must turn to our Heavenly Father to know who we truly are, and He is pleased with us when we trust Him.
Nothing in this world can solve our self-image problem. In Christ, there is new life, and with that, a new identity. In Christ, when God gazes at any one of us, he sees perfection. He sees someone He loves unconditionally, who He fully accepts, who is safe and secure in His hands, and who is deeply significant...with a unique purpose. In Him, there is no need for people's applause to know we are all of those things and more.
I live for the applause...
...(I) Live for the way that you cheer and scream for me
The applause, applause, applause
These lyrics are interesting to me because Lady Gaga is talking about something many of us do every day. In some way, shape, or form, many of us do things with the strict intent of getting the applause of others. That applause may not be a literal standing up and clapping of hands. It may be a "good job!", some sort of reward, or a simple smile of approval from a loved one.
To get the applause, in the form we want it, we perform. This performance Lady Gaga mentions is in front of an audience, singing and dancing. For those of us with a much smaller "fan-base", we perform in different ways. Some of us may work hard to stand out at work, stress ourselves out at home trying to keep it looking like something everyone will be pleased with, or put on a fake smile because people seem to like that. Others of us work out excessively, dress to impress, or purchase other items that stand out.
King Saul really struggled with this as well. Several times, he made decisions based on what people were doing or what they would think of him. In 1 Samuel 13, he offered a sacrifice against the will of God, partly because others were "scattering from him". In 1 Samuel 18, Saul was jealous of David because the people in the kingdom were in awe of his achievements rather than Saul's. There are several other examples as I read through his life of a detrimental focus on getting the applause, or acceptance, of others.
To gain a deeper understanding of Saul's real problem, we have to look at his past...before he was king. When Samuel, a prophet sent by God to anoint Saul as king, began a conversation with Saul about his being chosen to be king, Saul's response was, "Am I not a Benjaminite, from the least of the tribes of Israel? And is not my clan the humblest of all the clans of the tribe of Benjamin? Why then have you spoken to me in this way?” Saul's view of himself is seen clearly here. He sees his identity as being one of the lowest in all of Israel. Despite being a tall, handsome man, he sees himself as inadequate. Later, when he is to be announced as king in front of everyone, he hides himself, out of this same belief that he is not good enough.
I think we can apply this same cycle to ourselves when we catch ourselves consumed with wanting the applause of others. When we obsess over getting the approval of others, deep down, somehow, we, like King Saul, are being driven by a lowly identity that yearns for proof that we are better than we think we are. We view ourselves as not quite good enough, not smart enough, not "put-together" enough, not talented enough, not pretty or handsome enough, or lacking some other important characteristic or trait that disqualifies us. Regardless of what particular self-view haunts us, many of us turn to others' opinions as the antidote.
While King Saul never appeared to move past his negative self-view, we can learn from his experience. God saw something in Saul that he didn't see in himself. God called him to be king. However, Saul held fast to his fleshly identity, not accepting the new identity God was offering. King Saul turned to people, trying to feel better about himself by pleasing them and getting their approval. It never worked. And it won't work for us either. We must turn to our Heavenly Father to know who we truly are, and He is pleased with us when we trust Him.
Nothing in this world can solve our self-image problem. In Christ, there is new life, and with that, a new identity. In Christ, when God gazes at any one of us, he sees perfection. He sees someone He loves unconditionally, who He fully accepts, who is safe and secure in His hands, and who is deeply significant...with a unique purpose. In Him, there is no need for people's applause to know we are all of those things and more.
Thursday, December 05, 2013
The Perfect Husband
While listening to a song this week by Derek Webb, I was struck by a powerful truth that has put me in a state of thought all week. In the song, "Wedding Dress", these lyrics, that I have heard many times before, resonated with new meaning:
Because money cannot buy
A husband's jealous eye
When you have knowingly deceived his wife
Although we rarely think of Him in this way, Jesus is the perfect husband (or groom). In Scripture, He is described as the Groom, and His Church (His followers/believers/Christians) is referred to as His bride. Nothing deters Him from loving, protecting, and advocating for Her, among other things. When sin was in the way, He paid the ultimate price to get it out of the way...to secure the relationship He wanted with her (His bride...us!).
As a man, I am not perfect. I fail...a lot. In the Garden of Eden, Adam did not fight for and protect Eve when she was being tempted, and, I think we all (men) can relate to that kind of failure. If not, we need to get real with ourselves! However, where we all have failed, Jesus has come through for his bride in every way. Where Adam did not "stand in the gap" for Eve, Jesus does so for us constantly. We are tempted often. However, unlike Adam in that moment of passivity, Jesus is there fighting for us. His Truth is being spoken to us as we need it. He loves us, and He can be very kind and gentle. But He can also be ferocious in fighting for who He loves (see the book of Revelation). He takes His relationship with us seriously, even when we fail to do so.
As a man who is quite aware of my imperfections as a husband, father, son, brother, friend, co-worker, etc., my only hope in being the man God created me to be in those relationships is to trust the One who never fails us. Adam's problem on that fateful day in the garden was not that he did not push himself hard enough to "step up and be a man", it was that he had lost sight of the truths about His Father (God) that would have overpowered any fears he may have had...which inevitably led to him remaining silent while his wife was being deceived.
And although I realize I must tread carefully in addressing ladies when it comes to this truth about Christ (because I am obviously not a lady), I do not think it is out of bounds for me to state that trusting in any man to give you what only Christ can give you is going to lead to disappointment. Men are in a position that can ultimately reflect the image of the Perfect Husband, and, when we are walking in truth, we often are the conduit by which the Lord meets many of your needs. However, we are not, and can never be, the ultimate source of what you need.
Because money cannot buy
A husband's jealous eye
When you have knowingly deceived his wife
Although we rarely think of Him in this way, Jesus is the perfect husband (or groom). In Scripture, He is described as the Groom, and His Church (His followers/believers/Christians) is referred to as His bride. Nothing deters Him from loving, protecting, and advocating for Her, among other things. When sin was in the way, He paid the ultimate price to get it out of the way...to secure the relationship He wanted with her (His bride...us!).
As a man, I am not perfect. I fail...a lot. In the Garden of Eden, Adam did not fight for and protect Eve when she was being tempted, and, I think we all (men) can relate to that kind of failure. If not, we need to get real with ourselves! However, where we all have failed, Jesus has come through for his bride in every way. Where Adam did not "stand in the gap" for Eve, Jesus does so for us constantly. We are tempted often. However, unlike Adam in that moment of passivity, Jesus is there fighting for us. His Truth is being spoken to us as we need it. He loves us, and He can be very kind and gentle. But He can also be ferocious in fighting for who He loves (see the book of Revelation). He takes His relationship with us seriously, even when we fail to do so.
As a man who is quite aware of my imperfections as a husband, father, son, brother, friend, co-worker, etc., my only hope in being the man God created me to be in those relationships is to trust the One who never fails us. Adam's problem on that fateful day in the garden was not that he did not push himself hard enough to "step up and be a man", it was that he had lost sight of the truths about His Father (God) that would have overpowered any fears he may have had...which inevitably led to him remaining silent while his wife was being deceived.
And although I realize I must tread carefully in addressing ladies when it comes to this truth about Christ (because I am obviously not a lady), I do not think it is out of bounds for me to state that trusting in any man to give you what only Christ can give you is going to lead to disappointment. Men are in a position that can ultimately reflect the image of the Perfect Husband, and, when we are walking in truth, we often are the conduit by which the Lord meets many of your needs. However, we are not, and can never be, the ultimate source of what you need.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)