Being raised in the South, manners were instilled in me from the beginning. I learned to say "Yes Ma'am", "No Sir", "Please", and "Thank You". I was taught to hold the door for ladies, to let them go first, and to walk on the side closest to the road when walking with a lady. I was encouraged to smile when meeting others. I even find myself putting down the toilet seat at work (my coworkers are mostly ladies).
Manners can be a good way to show others respect. Manners can communicate an attitude of friendliness, sending the message that someone else is welcome and/or appreciated. Being nice and respectful is a great thing, unless it comes from an insincere heart.
In a couple of previous posts, I have discussed how we all struggle with shame at points in our lives. Due to these shameful feelings, we have a drive to hide from others. We often find ways to hide (fig leaves, as I am calling them here) that are hard to pick up on. If we are going to hide, we might as well find a fig leaf that hides us well!
Like with anything that can be used for good purposes, manners, or "being nice" can also be used in a not-so-good way. We can hide behind a nice demeanor, a smile, and kind words. I know I have caught myself many times being nice to someone when everything in me is screaming something other than pleasant words. John Lynch, of www.truefaced.com, often says we like to tell others we're "doing just fine!" when we are far from it.
The major problem with misplaced manners is that we fail to acknowledge to not only others, but to ourselves, that something is wrong. Using "niceness" in this way prevents us from addressing real issues that need to be dealt with. I caught myself many times as a counselor, pushing things aside in order to be pleasant with others. While some of that was necessary in order to put them first in counseling sessions, when I left work and went home without addressing the things I had put aside, I was a ticking time bomb.
So, today, I encourage each of my readers to examine your heart when it comes to the attitude you are portraying to others. Does it come from an authentic heart, or from a desire to hide what's really going on inside of you? I encourage us all to take a step of faith, trusting that God will provide the strength we need when we choose to be real rather than fake our way through something. We all need healing, and healing comes when we acknowledge to our loving, Heavenly Father that we need treatment.
Wednesday, March 26, 2014
Friday, March 21, 2014
Sarcastic Jesus
Have you ever known a message to be taken the wrong way? As most of us have realized at this point, media such as text and email lack the ability to properly convey tone and/or emotion. We say one thing, but our recipient reads something else altogether. If I send someone a question and the response is "nope", depending on my state of mind, some questions may enter my mind. Why are they being short with me? Are they ticked off? What could I have done? Of course, the recipient may be upset with me about something, but there are other possibilities as well. Perhaps, for instance, he is very busy at work and only had time to type out a quick response.
I have found that we tend to do this with Scripture. Often, we make an assumption about the tone we think Paul, Moses, or even Jesus is using when we read verses from the Bible. One of the tones that we commonly assume Jesus is speaking with is sarcasm. I believe this comes from many of us being sarcastic ourselves, so we assume Jesus to be the same way! Sarcasm is condescending. It is also a good indicator of anger, so when we apply this tone to Jesus' words, we view Jesus as constantly speaking angrily with a condescending voice to us. Jesus did not always speak gently, but He did not constantly speak out of anger or disgust either.
It is easy for us to assume God is constantly angry with us due to our imperfections. However, Scripture is clear that, through Christ, God fully accepts and forgives us. He is slow to anger and does not ever withhold one bit of His love from us. God is not anxiously waiting for opportunities to strike His children down with a lightning bolt...or with a witty, condescending comment. What would happen if we began taking just a moment to consider He may be speaking with a very different tone than what we first assumed when reading about Him?
I have found that we tend to do this with Scripture. Often, we make an assumption about the tone we think Paul, Moses, or even Jesus is using when we read verses from the Bible. One of the tones that we commonly assume Jesus is speaking with is sarcasm. I believe this comes from many of us being sarcastic ourselves, so we assume Jesus to be the same way! Sarcasm is condescending. It is also a good indicator of anger, so when we apply this tone to Jesus' words, we view Jesus as constantly speaking angrily with a condescending voice to us. Jesus did not always speak gently, but He did not constantly speak out of anger or disgust either.
It is easy for us to assume God is constantly angry with us due to our imperfections. However, Scripture is clear that, through Christ, God fully accepts and forgives us. He is slow to anger and does not ever withhold one bit of His love from us. God is not anxiously waiting for opportunities to strike His children down with a lightning bolt...or with a witty, condescending comment. What would happen if we began taking just a moment to consider He may be speaking with a very different tone than what we first assumed when reading about Him?
Wednesday, March 19, 2014
What If
Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life...O you of little faith? Therefore do not be anxious, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.
"Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.
(Matthew 6:25a,30b-34, ESV)
Worry is a common threat to our everyday wellbeing. Short term, it robs us of enjoying anything in the present. Long term, it can literally eat a hole in your stomach or even cause a heart attack or stroke. Not many days go by that we do not worry about something. Jesus knew this was an issue for us, so he addressed it.
In Matthew's record of Jesus' thoughts on worry, Jesus mentions specific things we worry about. He mentions things like food, water, and clothing. He doesn't mention things we would simply like to have. He focuses on physical needs, and Jesus acknowledges that God knows we need those things. He knows we need other things as well, such as acceptance, love, and security. I can assume, anytime I worry, I have called into question God's intention to meet a need that I have. I may have to dig a little bit into my thoughts to figure out which one (2 Corinthians 10:5).
Our lack of trusting Him to provide for our needs leads to us trying to figure out how to meet them ourselves, which is why Jesus lovingly points to the faith issue in Matthew 6:30. Worrying never gets us what we need. I have heard someone say it's like a rocking chair: no matter how hard you work, it gets you no where. Even if we could answer all the "what if's" (which is primarily what worry is all about), it still costs way more than it's worth. God wants us to know the real issue behind it all. He wants us to know it all comes back to our relationship with Him.
Beyond knowing that God says He will meet our needs, we must experience the kind of love He has for us to trust that He will keep His word. When you believe wholeheartedly that someone loves you unconditionally, you trust their motives. You also trust that what they say, they have every intention of following through on. And when it comes to God, He has everything at His disposal to make sure His children have exactly what we need when we need it.
Worry is a common threat to our everyday wellbeing. Short term, it robs us of enjoying anything in the present. Long term, it can literally eat a hole in your stomach or even cause a heart attack or stroke. Not many days go by that we do not worry about something. Jesus knew this was an issue for us, so he addressed it.
In Matthew's record of Jesus' thoughts on worry, Jesus mentions specific things we worry about. He mentions things like food, water, and clothing. He doesn't mention things we would simply like to have. He focuses on physical needs, and Jesus acknowledges that God knows we need those things. He knows we need other things as well, such as acceptance, love, and security. I can assume, anytime I worry, I have called into question God's intention to meet a need that I have. I may have to dig a little bit into my thoughts to figure out which one (2 Corinthians 10:5).
Our lack of trusting Him to provide for our needs leads to us trying to figure out how to meet them ourselves, which is why Jesus lovingly points to the faith issue in Matthew 6:30. Worrying never gets us what we need. I have heard someone say it's like a rocking chair: no matter how hard you work, it gets you no where. Even if we could answer all the "what if's" (which is primarily what worry is all about), it still costs way more than it's worth. God wants us to know the real issue behind it all. He wants us to know it all comes back to our relationship with Him.
Beyond knowing that God says He will meet our needs, we must experience the kind of love He has for us to trust that He will keep His word. When you believe wholeheartedly that someone loves you unconditionally, you trust their motives. You also trust that what they say, they have every intention of following through on. And when it comes to God, He has everything at His disposal to make sure His children have exactly what we need when we need it.
Tuesday, March 18, 2014
The Fig Leaf of Words
Then the eyes of both were opened, and they knew that they were naked. And they sewed fig leaves together and made themselves loincloths.
And they heard the sound of the Lord God walking in the garden in the cool of the day, and the man and his wife hid themselves from the presence of the Lord God among the trees of the garden. (Genesis 3:7-8, ESV)
Like Adam and Eve in the garden, we have all felt the urge to find some fig leaves to hide behind. When shame hits us, it is our first instinct. It can happen when we've done wrong, when someone's hurt us, when we've been embarrassed, or when we see a weakness in ourselves. Eventually, it becomes second-nature...something we do without even realizing the source. We just, by habit, put on a mask to hide behind and go about our everyday lives hoping no one sees through it.
To walk by faith and not allow shame to control us, it's good to do these three things: 1) identify our personal "fig leaves" (our masks or how we hide), 2) identify the reason why we hide behind those fig leaves, and 3) identify the truth that sets us free from them.
I sometimes use words as a fig leaf. Although any empty words will do, bigger words are better because they are easier to hide behind. When I can masterfully create a barrier with words, others do not see the real me. This fig leaf leads to getting bogged down in conversations that sound very intellectual but do not actually go very deep. Basically, true relationship with others loses out to things like "theological mumbo jumbo". When this fig leaf is used, things said are not necessarily bad or untrue, but the chosen words just do not reveal the whole picture.
One reason I find myself hiding behind words is to prevent others from seeing painful emotions (guilt, shame, anger, etc.). The empty talk allows me to avoid revealing what's really going on inside. The phrase, "fake it till you make it", comes to mind. Unfortunately, "faking it" never turns into being real, dealing with inner struggles, and healing.
Another reason we hide is that there are things we do not like about ourselves. In my case, deep down I often see myself as "not good enough". Although I know the truth in my head, I sometimes struggle with actually believing that God loves me and accepts me, no questions asked. I put the pressure on myself to earn what He gives freely through Christ. When I believe God is waiting for me to prove myself, I quickly grab the closest fig leaf to hide behind. He lovingly calls out to me often, encouraging me to trust Him and who He created me to be in Christ. By faith (taking Him at His word), I am able to step out from behind whatever bush I am hiding behind.
This was an important blog post for me, for two reasons. First, I think, as Christians, we often believe it's best for others to only see how "well-put-together Jesus makes us". However, that rarely points people to Christ. A person struggling and trusting Jesus is much more convincing of the Gospel than a know-it-all who "has it all together", even when preaching the truth. The Gospel message relieves us of the pressure to have it all together, and points us to a savior to rely on every step of the way. He is the remedy for fig leaves.
Second, it is safe to say that some of you reading this have been exposed to my "fig leaf of words" at some point. I apologize to you. I pray that God will allow me to continue to experience His love in new ways so that what you see when you interact with me is more of Him and less of a fig leaf. Receiving His love is what is required for me to be the authentic man He created me to be, one who is free and does not mind getting out from behind the words.
2 Corinthians 2:1-5
Ephesians 3:14-19
And they heard the sound of the Lord God walking in the garden in the cool of the day, and the man and his wife hid themselves from the presence of the Lord God among the trees of the garden. (Genesis 3:7-8, ESV)
Like Adam and Eve in the garden, we have all felt the urge to find some fig leaves to hide behind. When shame hits us, it is our first instinct. It can happen when we've done wrong, when someone's hurt us, when we've been embarrassed, or when we see a weakness in ourselves. Eventually, it becomes second-nature...something we do without even realizing the source. We just, by habit, put on a mask to hide behind and go about our everyday lives hoping no one sees through it.
To walk by faith and not allow shame to control us, it's good to do these three things: 1) identify our personal "fig leaves" (our masks or how we hide), 2) identify the reason why we hide behind those fig leaves, and 3) identify the truth that sets us free from them.
I sometimes use words as a fig leaf. Although any empty words will do, bigger words are better because they are easier to hide behind. When I can masterfully create a barrier with words, others do not see the real me. This fig leaf leads to getting bogged down in conversations that sound very intellectual but do not actually go very deep. Basically, true relationship with others loses out to things like "theological mumbo jumbo". When this fig leaf is used, things said are not necessarily bad or untrue, but the chosen words just do not reveal the whole picture.
One reason I find myself hiding behind words is to prevent others from seeing painful emotions (guilt, shame, anger, etc.). The empty talk allows me to avoid revealing what's really going on inside. The phrase, "fake it till you make it", comes to mind. Unfortunately, "faking it" never turns into being real, dealing with inner struggles, and healing.
Another reason we hide is that there are things we do not like about ourselves. In my case, deep down I often see myself as "not good enough". Although I know the truth in my head, I sometimes struggle with actually believing that God loves me and accepts me, no questions asked. I put the pressure on myself to earn what He gives freely through Christ. When I believe God is waiting for me to prove myself, I quickly grab the closest fig leaf to hide behind. He lovingly calls out to me often, encouraging me to trust Him and who He created me to be in Christ. By faith (taking Him at His word), I am able to step out from behind whatever bush I am hiding behind.
This was an important blog post for me, for two reasons. First, I think, as Christians, we often believe it's best for others to only see how "well-put-together Jesus makes us". However, that rarely points people to Christ. A person struggling and trusting Jesus is much more convincing of the Gospel than a know-it-all who "has it all together", even when preaching the truth. The Gospel message relieves us of the pressure to have it all together, and points us to a savior to rely on every step of the way. He is the remedy for fig leaves.
Second, it is safe to say that some of you reading this have been exposed to my "fig leaf of words" at some point. I apologize to you. I pray that God will allow me to continue to experience His love in new ways so that what you see when you interact with me is more of Him and less of a fig leaf. Receiving His love is what is required for me to be the authentic man He created me to be, one who is free and does not mind getting out from behind the words.
2 Corinthians 2:1-5
Ephesians 3:14-19
Monday, March 10, 2014
Hide and Seek: The Shame Game
We all have experienced things we do not want others to know about us. It may be a past choice or event in our life. It may be a current real or perceived shortcoming. Shame is a real issue, and it leads to a desire to hide. We continually seek ways to conceal our source of shame from not only others, but ourselves as well. It's a perpetual "bob and weave". It's amazing the things we can come up with to do this.
Adam and Eve put on fig leaves after eating of the forbidden fruit in the Garden of Eden. Moses begged God to have someone else do the public speaking for him because he felt he was not adequate. Abraham told other men his beautiful wife was his sister, out of fear that he could not handle the situation if those men knew he was her husband and they decided to try to take her from him. King Saul had severely low self esteem, which led to many bad decisions based on trying to hide his weaknesses from others. King David did everything he could to hide the fact that he had gotten a married woman pregnant, including murdering her husband.
Shame is a consequence of sin. It can bring to light the fact that we have fallen short in some way. It brings out the need we have for restoration. When we hear the Gospel message that we have someone to rely on for that healing and renewing, we find hope and freedom. There is a remedy for shame in our Savior, Jesus. In Him, we are adopted as God's children and become new creatures that we couldn't become on our own.
In you, O Lord, do I take refuge; let me never be put to shame; in your righteousness deliver me! (Psalm 31:1, ESV)
For His followers, we have access to that saving Grace every second of every day through faith. However, we often lose sight of who we are in Him; chosen, loved, forgiven, and saints. When we fail to rest in those truths, the feelings of shame return. It drains us. It holds us back. It leads to bad decisions. Ironically, although it's good for pointing out our own sin, it can even confuse us into believing we are guilty for other people's actions. To catch myself in this downward spiral, I must be willing to be honest about how I hide because it is the biggest evidence of shame. If I ignore it, the feelings of shame are only stored up, to fester and grow, until they burst out again and slam me face first into the ground.
I plan to spend some time over the next few weeks on this topic and blogging about some ways in which I have discovered myself hiding. As always, it's vitally important for us to take a real look at how we can take steps of faith each and every day. Since shame is so often used as a vicious weapon by the Enemy against us, it's important to examine what it looks like for us to win battles against it.
Adam and Eve put on fig leaves after eating of the forbidden fruit in the Garden of Eden. Moses begged God to have someone else do the public speaking for him because he felt he was not adequate. Abraham told other men his beautiful wife was his sister, out of fear that he could not handle the situation if those men knew he was her husband and they decided to try to take her from him. King Saul had severely low self esteem, which led to many bad decisions based on trying to hide his weaknesses from others. King David did everything he could to hide the fact that he had gotten a married woman pregnant, including murdering her husband.
Shame is a consequence of sin. It can bring to light the fact that we have fallen short in some way. It brings out the need we have for restoration. When we hear the Gospel message that we have someone to rely on for that healing and renewing, we find hope and freedom. There is a remedy for shame in our Savior, Jesus. In Him, we are adopted as God's children and become new creatures that we couldn't become on our own.
In you, O Lord, do I take refuge; let me never be put to shame; in your righteousness deliver me! (Psalm 31:1, ESV)
For His followers, we have access to that saving Grace every second of every day through faith. However, we often lose sight of who we are in Him; chosen, loved, forgiven, and saints. When we fail to rest in those truths, the feelings of shame return. It drains us. It holds us back. It leads to bad decisions. Ironically, although it's good for pointing out our own sin, it can even confuse us into believing we are guilty for other people's actions. To catch myself in this downward spiral, I must be willing to be honest about how I hide because it is the biggest evidence of shame. If I ignore it, the feelings of shame are only stored up, to fester and grow, until they burst out again and slam me face first into the ground.
I plan to spend some time over the next few weeks on this topic and blogging about some ways in which I have discovered myself hiding. As always, it's vitally important for us to take a real look at how we can take steps of faith each and every day. Since shame is so often used as a vicious weapon by the Enemy against us, it's important to examine what it looks like for us to win battles against it.
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